The Johnson Dealer

As my parents always said, parenting does not come with a handbook. You can never have the right answers and you can only hope that your children would come out of the whole experience when they turn adults alive. You wonder if you do the right things and think, ok maybe there is something to what my Mother told me. Eating carrots may not exactly make you see in the dark but it may help you to see better anyway. So does all of this stuff about a handbook go with marriages too? Even if you don't need to "heal" your relationship, there is always room for improvement. When you think back to the start of the relationship with your significant other, you remember the butterflies, the big smiles and the little gestures that helped you to fall in love in the first place. What happens when the honeymoon is over? This is the part of the relationship where you really learn about each other. Communication, empathy, listening, compromise and forgiveness are what you have to work on then. Don't you wish they had relationship classes in school since it's the one thing that you are constantly trying to get an A+ in?






Week 8




Day 50
It's only day 50?!?!?! Jeez, it's like I have been getting it on for years now. Let me tell you, it is not easy. I have seen lots of improvements and it's all been positive but it's like the movie is on play in slow motion. Speaking of motion, watermelon flavored massage oil is so fricken awesome. I wonder if I mixed the strawberry and that together…..

*walks out* "hey Hunny, wanna have fruit salad tonight?"

Day 51
A few weeks ago a friend suggested that I become a sex toy party lady. I not so sure because I thought about how it would be and felt it would be nice to get some extra cash but I really have no time well except for Wednesdays and Sundays and there is no way that I am selling vibrators on Sundays..lol Also when I thought about it I had a visual a room full of dildos stacked 100 deep, edible panties, motion lotions and silver bullets. This is not a room that I would like anyone to stumble upon in my house. Could you imagine 80 year old, sweet aunt Bertha opening the door to the surprise of the century? OR I could see my son or daughters coming out drinking a bottle of edible lotion just because it had a watermelon on it or playing with a big rubber dick or cock ring along side of their toy cars or dolls; like it's a bracelet or something. I do not think that I will be a pocket pussy or Johnson dealer anytime soon although it might be fun. If it was 6 years back without little ones and I was doing this NY Res, I totally would. But you know I am having a lot of fun trying out all this fun stuff on our own anyway. I have purchased items from a party before and they sat in a box for years…..until now.

*walks out* "hey Hunny, whatever happened to those edible panties?"

Day 52
So I would never wax myself again but that small patch, plus the razor work that took place and everything else down there, has started to grow back.  I expected it to come back but they say it should be less hair and finer hair too but now it's so itchy. It's funny because I find myself making sure no one is around so I can scratch myself. I even caught myself walking a little different, kind of like a fast walk but making my thighs rub together a little harder so it scratches it a bit (I honestly can't even describe that better…picture 1985 jazzercise walking). One time I saw a pole and thought how good that may feel to itch it from there. This also makes the night a bit more interesting because I keep "itching" while in the act and it can be a bit comical since I didn't tell him what was up. He probably thought that I had lice or something. Lol

*scratch scratch scratch*

Day 53
I have felt like crap for the last few days. My day starts out ok with the exception that I can barely get out of bed but once I am out, I get wide awake. But around 3 or so it's like a downward spiral. So by the time its "bed time" I am exhausted! I may have well just been sleeping because it was easier just to lay there than to do anything. After I said, "so now you know what it is to screw an unconscious person"

*opens eyes* "hey Hunny, Good nite" *scratch*

Day 54
So tired…Oh why o why must I be dis way? Ok, so seriously, I have no idea if we had sex or not? I remember bits and pieces and also remember completely falling asleep with my ass in the air. I don't believe this was a dream. I honestly like sleep sex sometimes especially if it's a good dream and I have been known to sleep sex (kind of like sleep walking) so I have had many encounters but this shit is redic! I seriously have to look into this illness lately.

*butt in air talking into pillow* "yeah yeah…nite"


Day 55
I honestly don't want to write this at this moment so I will keep it short. My son keeps waking up and its driving me nuts. I can't get any work done otherwise because I am the only one who can do anything in the whole entire house. Thank goodness there was a morning romp because I am not a happy camper right now.

Day 56

Good morning zombies….getting jiggy with it. Ugh….me wants brains. Still tired.

Do your duty

Going through the motions (ha!) of this whole resolution is becoming like second nature to me. I get up, think about all the creative ways to turn my man on, go on with my day and then hope that my kids go to bed early. Most of the time it's in the middle of the afternoon when I get a little craving and the good ol' boy is at work. I put on my sad face for a second and then usually go about my business of daily life usually letting the thoughts drift off and away. I get more excited for sex than I did before and in that, it has improved my life in a few ways so far. I also have more motivation to look better, be nicer and just plain get up and go.


Week 7


Day 43
Love Saturdays with no plans and just being able to sneak off somewhere….it's always SO fun!
Lost 3 pounds! AWE-SUM…. This is on top (ha! On top!!! Lol) of the 5 that I lost before. Just with other 'exercise' I will have to think of creative ways to make this harder; I wouldn't want to hit some kind of plateau or something. I have been looking into the chair or mirror or the laundry room for ideas lately. I wonder how much saddles cost? Ohhh What about the exercise bike?


Day 44
So I have this theory on why people should try this whole sex everyday thing. You see you are giving back to community and doing your civic duty by making others happy. Because doing it makes you happy and when you're happy, you treat others good and when others are happy we have a better world. See? Let's all get it on….K? I am going to make 1 man happy right now.


Day 45
My name is Cupid Valentina, I'd like to wish you all a Happy Valentines day!!! Time to put on my red satin sheets! I bought these gorgeous, red satin sheets and the velvet comforter from Vicky Hush Hush's (Victoria's secret) quite a long time ago and every year I put them on for a day or so. Well, it used to be a week or more but 'M doesn't like to sleep on them because they are too silky. He is a man of comfort so cotton or sateen is the way to go with him. But really, why not indulge once in a while? They are amazing for more than their silkiness; they are so sexy to me that the mere sight of them turns me on. When he got home I had placed his gift and some lil chocolates next to his pillow along with a card. I also had little candles lit everywhere around the room and some rose petals thrown about. I had also slipped into something more comfortable along with my satin robe (I know already, enough with the satin. sheesh), sat on the couch with the throw blanket pulled up to my chin. I didn't want him to think that I was trying too hard, right? He went to the room and I heard him gasp…. "Yesss", I thought to myself. He came out and told me that he did NOT have a card and that he told me that we discussed that we weren't going to do anything/get anything for each other! This was all fine to me; after all what good are cards anyway? The one I got him, I had stashed somewhere with a bunch of other hallmark cards that I bought on sale at one point. Flowers die and then you are left with the stinky water and chocolates just make you fat. With sex, all kinds of sex, you get to exercise and feel good. And when it comes to "eating at the V", you can eat all you want and you won't get fat – where else can you go for a meal like that? See? It all works out. I told him to, "shush his mouth and kiss me" and then motioned with my finger back to the room where the "chocolate and strawberries" (KY, yours and mine) was waiting.

A While later….


Oh, yeah…that was good shit…..sigh….. Does anyone have a cigarette?


Day 46
So we are sitting there, watching TV and almost ready for bed when the big guy gets up, to go to the bathroom or something, I dunno I wasn't paying attention and then all of a sudden there is a big ol' Johnson right in my face! So the time between the bathroom and the living room there was an arousal and he decided to make it known. How do men do that? And why is it necessary to basically slap my face with it? LMAO! So we take care of things and then I go to the bathroom to tidy up and realize that there is a Maxim magazine next to the toilet. NICE…. Now I know.


Day 47
Have you ever done the deed in front of a mirror? Yeah, not so good when you're a cubby one like me. My boobies were bouncing all over the place and so where other things…why in the world is this sexy? Ew. To me it was like watching a horrible car crash in slow motion. Or better yet like a sumo wrestler falling in slow motion. *closes eyes, shakes head and inhales thought teeth* yuk yuk yuk.


Day 48
Ok so we used that KY chocolate and strawberry stuff before and it's fabulous AND it's totally not like that assailant deterrent that almost cost me my eye from before. It isn't menthol or tingly, it's just intensely flavored. Anyway, my luv-a had to work late tonight and he goes in to change but when he comes out he smells like chocolate. I guess he wanted to prep for the night. Love it! I totally giggled and then went right to unbuttoning some pants. I actually like the strawberry more but who cares, its fun! I seriously have not given this much head on a non-time-o-the-month before in my life! Thanks KY


Day 49
Mmmmm… chocolate in the morning? I'm right on it! I just don't like to fool too much with Fridays. When they are good they are good.















 

I wonder how it’s like there.

Where do I begin? This week has been one of the most overwhelming, sad and reflecting times that I have had in a long time. I think life can be summarized into categories of growth and enlightenment because there are many pivotal points into one's life that makes you put things into perspective. Is the rush of daily life enough to sit down and appreciate all that you have around you? Not really. I think that when life throws you a curve ball (or two) it is meant to make you slow down and think and enjoy what we all have here, right now; life. This week I have had two young people close to me pass away and 2 other people who I am friends with had close people to them go as well. One thing that I thought about was how lucky I am to have my husband and my children right here, right now. I don't know what I would do if I had to lay in bed alone without feeling his warmth (ok, now I am getting all choked up) or the sound of laughter from my kids. But where does that leave the people who have to deal with these feelings? The spouses, children, parents and siblings are the ones that I truly grieve for. When it is all quiet is when I worry. There are so many times that I take it all for granted and as I get a little older, dealing with death and life is something that is going to come a lot more. While it does not get any easier, we all must learn that these people that have gone before us are in a place that we all want to be one day and that it's ok.


Week 6


Day 36
I heard today some sad news…there were feelings of panic and of dread. Helplessness filled the air. When you are close to someone, it's amazing how much you pick up on their emotions without them even uttering a word. My husband and I just looked at each other and tears welled up in our eyes. We hugged each other only for a few moments but they felt so good that it felt more like an hour. We both said, "Pray for a miracle" and "it's okay, it's okay" a few times before we both had to compose ourselves. Left with the reeling feelings of sadness for our friend but also their family, set the tone for the rest of the night. Later, our moment was soft and concerning, we took each other in with thoughtful care. It was one of those moments when you connect fully on a spiritual level. We felt alive.

Day 37
She's back…that stupid nature freak, "Flow", god I hate being a woman…. This is really going to help with my emotional level this week. *shakes head and rolls eyes in disgust*
We visited our friend in the hospital and in hindsight, said good bye one last time. As much as hospitals and seeing people in that position terrifies me, it was good to see her and good to talk with the family. The rest of our day was a normal Sunday with playing with the kids and waiting for the big FOOSBALL game that was supposed to come on later. Hubby went out to his friends house around the corner to watch because apparently,"they have the best spread around!". I enjoyed my evening watching Tinker bell while trying to calm a squirmy, teething baby down. Which I guess is very similar to trying to actually catching a football while running. I expected my stud-muffin to come in after the game but he surprised me at 8pm. "They ran out of the ribs…Lisa, they were so good that I want to take some and go cuddle with them in bed…that's how good they were!", he says. "I tried to get some to bring home to you but I was afraid of getting attacked", "I already ate" I say with a laugh. "And it got boring and I thought that I would rather hang out with my baby" he thoughtfully says. Awww, I know he is lying and think….what a guy. Seriously, that right there is so nice. I could care less about flowers or anything else after he said that. Needless to say, he was rewarded for his kind words.

Day 38
*Sigh* our friend has gone. So damn wrong! She was too young, to fun too….full of life. Huh. Isn't that the way it always goes? The ones that you think are too active and energetic to die are the ones to go. I just don't get it.

This is hard to be intimate when you have these emotions around. I almost feel guilty doing it because every time I do it reminds me of a celebration. But that shouldn't necessarily the case because sex is actually a celebration of life and love in general, every time you have sex with your husband, partner, wife...etc, you strengthen your vows. Did you know that marriage isn't the actual sacrament?? It's the SEX! The sex is the most ultimate expression of love and devotion between two married people and if you are catholic (like me) you get to be blessed by God every time you get it on! I am sure that it's like this in all faiths. Not to get all religious but that's just what I was told…….by a priest….he was wearing a white collar….I think. So that night, even though "flow" is here…it was very passionate and deeply emotional.

Day 39
Did I say that I am lucky to have my wonderful husband? Well I am. I am just so proud to be his wife. Honestly, we do not always get along and there are some times when I just want to be by myself (like in the other room, not not married) but that only makes us human. He tells me that I am beautiful when I feel that I am not. Once in a while he even tucks me in at night (awww!) He works so hard to put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. He is amazing and I am so happy that I am able to share life with him. I told him this, as he looks at me like I have given up too much information that needs to be bottled up somewhere. I know guys aren't the best at emotions but hell; I am a woman and damnit, I'm-a-gonna-get-mushy! There is nothing else to say…the door closed and we got busy. Sorry to disappoint you but use your imagination on this one.


Day 40
My hunny had the day off so earlier in the day we managed to get the kids playing in another room so we tiptoed into our room and quickly shut the door and locked it because we don't need any peeper-creepers barging in. While it was quick (more like my handy mouth work was quick), it was refreshing and nice to have him home during the day.


Day 41
UGH! More bad news…A relative of mine, passed away. She had battled cancer for 10 years and also was an amazing, funny, warm hearted person. Again, the ones you think that will always be here. By now I have learned that these two women that I had the privilege to know have taught me a valuable lesson. Life is what you make of it so make it count. And this night…we made it count.


Day 42
Would it be bad if I took a shower this morning with my love? Nah….
Were all clean and warm and fuzzy inside despite what we will go through this afternoon.




Along with strengthening the bonds with others, we have enjoyed getting closer emotionally and spiritually this week. It has opened a door in our relationship that signals a new period of growth for both of us as individuals and as a couple. Sex can be healing and comforting. I remember 42 days ago we slept farther apart on our bed and now we make sure that at least one of us has his/her arm around the other. I hope that it stays like that for the rest of our lives.

Leave the dildo, keep the cannoli

Business as usual this week and we are all back to normal. No one is sick, work sucks and there is an impending snow storm that may kill us all on the horizon. Its winter people, it snows…. I will let you know if I survived when it's all over. Hey, if it traps us in the house for a few days I know what I will be doing to stay warm. There seems to be nothing else in Michigan to do in the winter around here anyway except get some action in your nice warm house, car, boat that is in heated storage, or ice shanty. Maybe that's why there are so many pregnancies that occur in the late fall through winter here? I KNOW all of mine did.

Week 5


Day 29
Same shit different day, but now with some new lingerie. Doesn't that make it all better? Oh and you can add in a bottle of wine to boot and then we are knocking some. He smiles and nods and its ON!


Day 30
Foot ball...FuuuTBALL (Say it with a really annoying sarcastic tone and that's where I am at)"Damn, I wish I were a football. Then I can get some action by a tight end in the middle of the day". That's OK Hun; I will sit here and watch. That's ok, really…No, no don't change the channel, I actually like foosball or whatever they call it (grimace). "Just as long as I get it when it's over…." I say under my breath with a smile.
When is halftime? Wanna meet me in the bathroom?


Day 31
So tonight I asked my dude if we could change it up a bit and I suggested that thing they call 69. Of course he responded with a big "hell yea!" and as I sat there, recounting what had just came out of my mouth, I hesitated for a moment thinking of how I should just go about getting on top of him. This is a delicate procedure that has to be done correctly, right? I started to think again and said, "well maybe not" …"Come on!" he says in an annoyed voice. Deep breath…ok, I climb on to him in the opposite direction and immediately felt awkward because my torso is apparently very long so really my stomach is at mouth level. Ok, what the hell am I supposed to do, pull his "thingy" down in order for it all to work out…wouldn't that be uncomfortable? We readjust and he begins. I do not. I don't start on him because I just began thinking this is not good.

So there I am presenting my ass like a Howler Monkey thinking – "omg, did I shave? My asshole is like staring him down! Are women supposed to shave their asses? Ew, I wonder if it smells? What if I fart (don't think that would happen cause' girls don't fart) Gawd that would be nast…but I am clean, I should smell like a peach…omg, but what if I don't? "My spinning thoughts totally ruined the moment. I quickly got off of him and just said "you know I rather give you a blow-job Hun." So that was my venture with 69. Yeah, not so well. Maybe next time (after I get a Brazilian wax)


Day 32
The blizzard is upon us…well, that's what the meteorologist said. But this is a funny looking blizzard because it looks just like a regular snow storm out my window. Hmmmph. Daddy-o comes home and we talk about him missing hockey for this potential blizzard. He looks at me and laughs and asks "are you really scared about a little snow?" "I could be", I say and attempt to explain to him that if he stays home we could have a romp a few times instead of just once… No dice. Sigh. I guess I will just have to wait until he comes back and I am sure it will be fine.
Later, he finds me on the couch sleeping and wakes me up. I dunno, something about half sleep sex that is somewhat paramount.


Day 33
After the night before, I was really into trying to tell myself that everything was presentable in my nether regions. My guy assured me that I was great down there and there is no need to be stupid about it. He told me as he was immersed in a hockey game so who knows if he is serious. I couldn't help it though; I have issues, when I am not sure about something I have to make sure that I am 100% confident so I have no concern when I am in the situation. I thought about the whole Brazilian option but felt that it would be crazy awkward to get all nekid with some random person in order for them to wax my crotch and butt hair. So I trot off to the bathroom. In my quest to making sure that I am completely smooth everywhere I made a grave mistake. I decided to take matters in my own hands and bought a waxing kit at the store. So with a mirror, waxing strips and some hot wax, I began to lady-scape myself. Directions: Ok, so spread the wax: Check. Apply the fabric strip: Check….Pull strip off in the opposite direction in a fast motion while holding skin taught with the other hand….checkkkkk YEOW-CH! "JEZUS CHRYSTUS MATKA BOSKA!!!" "That's enough waxing!" I say as I hurl the wax jar across the floor while simultaneously reversing screaming. I am going to have to shave the rest of this beast. HOLY COW that hurt. How the hell can people do that? I should have invested on the Tranny doing Brazilian waxes at my nearest spa. Now, even though I have to shave, I have an enormous bruise on the side of my V-J-J and it really looks ugly. Sigh. Later on, we got it on. He laughed. It hurt L


Day 34
My body is getting more accustomed to the ol' Boomtangle even though my inner crotch is still bruised. It's sort of like a pavlovian influence (conditioned response) because I swear that whenever I see my husband now, my Va-J-J begins to salivate! HA!


Day 35
1-2-3….oooooooooohhhh yeah Baby! FRIDAY morning slob knob for my babies Daddy! I decided to give "her" a rest and a cold compress later. HA! This is the best way to start the weekend Y'all, you have to try it.




I have nothing learned this week other than to stay the Fuck away from waxing strips on my Hoo Ha. Well I guess one thing more, don't worry about yourself and just enjoy the moment as it comes because thinking too much ruins the moment.