I’m baaaackkkk

I'm back, the fog has lifted…the earth has shifted…AND I am also done quoting Kid Rock songs. I know, but that's just how I feel. I figured that I may update the people who happen to read this blog since I no longer like being stoned to death when I leave my house or encounter people who made it a lovely habit to read about my resolution every Friday morning drinking a cup of joe, telling me that they are really sad that I haven't filled them in for a long time. The truth is that I just got sick and tired of tip, tap, tap, tappin' at my key board everyday and looking back made me feel like it was groundhog day…same ol' crap every day. I wanted to be more creative on what I write rather than, "yes, We did it…." And so, I am going to try to catch you up to speed to the present with a few words, k? Ready???

Week 21

WE DID IT

Week 22

WE DID IT

Week 23

Hey, guess what……WE DID IT

Week 24

LO HICIMOS

Week 25

We totally did it

Week 26

I think my vagina fell out this week

Week 27

We tried…and we DID IT

Week 28

That Fucker tried to get me up the damn butt again…and I said NO…But we DID IT the other NORMAL way

Week 29

Fell off the wagon people…I know I know…you all were really counting on us but COME ON. I would really like to see how far you get doing this. It's like a diet though so once we fell we just got back up, dusted our knees off and hopped next week would be better

Week 30

We kinda like DID IT ya'll

Week 31

Somebody ate at the "V" this week….

Week 32

We fell off again!!!! Damn it! Now this is reallllly starting to feel like a diet.

Week 33

All I have to say is that I no longer have to say or do anything but a glance and it's ON

Week 34

It was a really hard week but hey, we fuckin DID IT

Week 35

Did it

Week 36

Did it MOST of the week.

 

 

Ok now we are all caught up, I propose that the best thing for me to do is update when new and exciting , NON MISSIONARY, things have happened so that I can feel like I am bringing a little more to you all. What I would really like is if you, whom ever are the bravest, can comment and let me know what you think is a good trick or interesting comment…it would be great. So LISTEN, there is like 3 ½ more months of the year and for what it's worth, this has been a crazy journey and one that I would like to see end December 31, 2011. Some people asked me what I am going to do on January 1, 2012 and All I have to say is; you will just have to wait and read.

 

We are still here

Week 20!

 

 

Just wanted to say that we are still going strong but due to overwhelming sshtuff going on lately, I have not been able to write about it daily like before. Once I am able to get it out, the blog will resume as usual.

No you are

What did I learn this week? Well, I learned that it's hard to help people feel better when you don't know what is wrong. For the last few weeks I have been having some health issues that I am not too sure what it's about. I feel tired, achy, joints hurt, easily irritable….and I can't seem to shake it. Because of this blog I am fully aware that it is not that my wonderful "Aunt Flo" will be visiting and these symptoms seem to be out of context for me as a person. Could it be because I am having sex all the time? I sure hope not. So anyway, I feel like crap, and my husband feels like crap because he has been having some problems with confidence at work. I really would like to make him realize that he really is the best thing since sliced bread but it appears to go in one ear and out the other. I know being the man and the "bread winner" has a lot to do with it but when you are down like that you have to realize the riches that are right in front of you, that love you.

Week 19

Day 120
Today I had an awesome day of shopping and tea with my girls and my mom and sister. In a noted haunted hotel, cute little fancy tea cups and little dresses with scones and crumpets, so fun! My daughters were so well mannered too and it was funny to hear my youngest daughter say, when I had to take her to the bathroom "I hope we don't see any ghosts in here!" LOL We had some serous retail therapy and when I came home, my wonderful hubby had a bouquet of fun field flowers and cards. That night was so fun because I had such a wonderful day and my senses were feeling good, my body felt tired but rejuvenated and the sex was amazing as ever but that much more meaningful.

Day 121
Mother's day and it turned out to be so beautiful! Warm and sunny so we thought that a BBQ was on the menu for dinner. My parents came over to hang out and we had another great time! We also brought the kids out for ice cream later. Speaking of ice cream, we had to bring out the fun "hot fudge" later on in the bedroom for some fun.

Day 122
Exhausted! My head hurts, my joints hurt, and body aches… this is ridiculous, everyday this happens! What is wrong with me?! This morning I literally just laid in bed and had my hubby climb on top of me to "get it on"…how pathetic. I need to see a doctor.

Day 123
What is it with this cat? He should know by know what is going on and to go away or move out of the way. So we are in bed and in comes the cat, Ziggy meowing for a spot, he climbs on the bed and proceeds to plop himself on top of my head while my husband is, ahem….down south…. What the hell cat? Talk about territorial! And then when I went to move him, I swore that I heard him growl a little. My husband looks up and tells the cat, "get your own pu**y! Beat it cat!" and with that, Ziggy got off the bed. There was a look of defeat and a tinge of sadness in his eyes. Lmao!

Day 124
The night began well and we found ourselves in the throes of passion (ha ha! Just to dramatize it a bit) and as I was moving on top of him, I somehow lost my footing with my knee off the side of the bed and managed to slightly fall to the side, where the dresser is nearby hitting my head in the process before falling on the ground. With slight concussion, I'm sure; I chuckled and realized that I am such a klutz! I got back on the bed and resumed and it lasted much longer because I was thinking about what just happened. It has been some time since I have injured myself and I found this comical. My man, on the other hand was a bit annoyed and I am sure that it was just because I had thrown off the whole "passionate experience" with my laughing. But, in life you have to laugh at yourself once in a while, right?

Day 125
I really don't know how to boost my sweetie's confidence lately. I really wish that there was some way, and in a sense I think that our intimacy may be lacking a little. Sure, it's here but we need something that will give us both a boost. I dunno, maybe there is something that I don't say or maybe it's just that we need a flipping vacation in a remote place with hot sweaty sex! Oh, but that would cost money…Its funny that even though you have sex every day, you have beautiful kids, nice house, everything except money this month and it all goes to shit? LOL Well, the only way that I know that may help is just to continue on with having "fun" everyday and hope things fall into place.

Day 126
Damn its hot and humid outside! I woke up all tacky from the window being open but what was good was that ALL of the kids slept in late so we were able to pretend that we were on a hot and humid vacation, just for a little while.

A river runs through it

Memories are nice to look back on once in a while to see why we are who we are today. They teach us our faults and lessons learned; they have a place where no one else can go to see your hurt and at the same time give you a safe feeling when you are feeling unsure. I sometimes try to remember the places where I have been to get back in touch with my former self, a more active and vibrant self, the person who I would like to be more like again.

Week 18


Day 113

 What a beautiful day to get the kids out and get some weeds out of the garden and getting ready to plant some seeds soon. We planted some raspberry bushes and blueberry bushes so we hope this will be good for us this year! The kids sure were excited. We all got completely down and dirty and played with everything, soccer, sand, chalk, bubbles, swings, mud and water and all the feelings of child hood came rushing back to me. I felt like a kid again and the kids marveled at how my attitude changed from being a "no, don't do that" mom to, "Ok, go ahead...dirt never hurt anyone" type. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately realizing that feeling down is just because I constantly nag myself to be an over achiever and in reality there never is enough time to do everything that I want putting pressure on myself. So to let go of my image, the way my house looks, the A+++ and everything else I expect of myself and my kids are unrealistic. I was able to have fun and did not care for a moment whatsoever. This of course may change as things DO need to get done LOL! I cared less SO much that I even decided to take a shower with my guy without even flinching at the fact that we would be naked, in the same place with the lights ON and he would more than likely see my large behind in all its glory! Ha ha! I hoped that he wouldn't go blind because that shit is like staring at the sun. He of course, did not go blind and it was a liberating experience.

Day 114
Today is the day that we all have time to hang out and catch up on chores or to fix what is broken in the house. This time, there was a leak in our basement that needed to be fixed. Swear it's like one thing after another. An addition to the basement drama my daughter is having a school mate spend the night so this should be really interesting. One thing that I cannot stand is being intimate when my kids are around or other kids are here. I just feel like it needs to be when we have absolute privacy but with kids there is seldom a quiet let alone, private moment. We figure that the best thing to do is to get out our needs in the early morning before all of the chaos erupts.

Day 115
Working on new ways to be experimental (in the modest of senses) in the bedroom have got me a little bored. I have books and read articles on what you should try. A lot of the stuff that I read I find myself laughing out loud thinking "yeah, right…that would go over well" or "that would NEVER happen". I don't think that I would ever want to be karate chopped in the throat after giving head so that I could say that I have been "walrus'd". That is not loving or fun to anyone but an immature guy playing with his girlfriend who he will eventually hump and dump. No, having semen trickle out of the corners of your mouth would not be a memory that I would want my husband to have of the mother of his children. Anyway, tonight I was on top and it was good but it was familiar and safe. I need some more practical ideas that others have tried that are nice, romantic and can get us both off. Any suggestions? Comment anonymously if you have tried something that bears repeating.

Day 116
All of the kids fell asleep at 7 o'clock!!! OH MY goodness what shall a woman with some peace do? Pour me some wine and watch what I want to watch on the T.V and wait for my husband to come home so I can attack him! That's what I will do! With that, by the time my husband comes home I am somewhat tired because of the wine and slightly less willing than before. However, I do feel a little more attractive as many women may feel when they have a nice buzz. Some women look in the mirror and think to themselves "damn I look good" with smudged makeup, out of place hair and all (meanwhile you really look like a half-eyed, ugly, desperate hag). I follow him into the bedroom and before he can take off his wet hockey shirt I assert myself to let him know that I want something by grabbing his package. What man on god's green earth would turn that gesture down? So we get that out of the way and lay down like a kitten that had too much milk. Content.

Day 117
Had a little frazzled day because I couldn't be with my one daughter on a field trip and at the same time forgot all about a different field trip all together! Later, the dude came home and we hung out with the kids for a while before they went off to sleep. We watched hockey and yelled at the TV, it was fun! Later we were talking about how he (my husband) had a dream the other night about "getting me from the other way". I immediately explained to him that would never happen in his lifetime as long as he is with me. I tried it a long time ago and I would never even attempt it with him due to his…well, his size. He then informed me that it WOULD happen and that 70% of women say that they like it. Well, I explained right back to him that I happen to be in the 3% of women that would rather poke hot needles into my eyes than get it through the back door. No way, never…NO HOW! When it was time for some action, I could see the line of mischief in his eyes and diffused it quickly with just going below his belt for my secret weapon (lollipop). He didn't bring up the back door again that night.

Day 118
Today I took the kids to the nature center to see all kinds of wild life. Painted turtles, bull frogs, red winged black birds and some cool crane looking bird that kept dive bombing the pond catching fish were serious highlights. Remembering back into my relationship with my husband, I thought of the fun times we had camping and the one time we threw my friend out of the tent so we could get busy one time! Ha! Good times good times. There was a time we found ourselves on a nature trail in the middle of a forest having to jump over small rivers and finally getting blocked. Looking at an enormous tree that had fallen over the path, we had to climb it and jump over to reach the other side. Once we got to the other side we were reminded how alone we were at that point and since the huge tree reminded me of something else that was huge, we snatched up the chance to be "one with nature" and let me tell ya, a log is one interesting thing to be bent over while you are being banged. There was moss, wood pecker holes and all sorts of interesting things to look at. I wonder what his thoughts were..."Oh shit, I hope nobody sees us. Damn this feels good…what the heck is that brushing up on my calve?" Since this day was pretty warm, when my hunny came home I suggested that we get in touch with our nature side and relax outside for a bit at night. So we did and being bent over patio furniture at night is not as interesting as being bent over a log in the day time in the middle of the woods.

Day 119
Friday!!! This better be a good day. With the way that this morning and most Fridays start out, I can at least say that ½ the day is good.

Equal Opportunity

I have talked other weeks about how I expected to have the physical benefits of having sex everyday and how I was slightly disappointed that many of the said "benefits" did not work out or have not YET become pronounced. I have become more interested that there are other things that have changed because of the everyday deed and one of them is that I have become more in-tuned with my body. By listening to cues that my body tells me, I can tell when I am ovulating, about to menstruate and when I am at my best running potential. This is interesting because I can try to help my symptoms along to make myself feel better. For instance, I became a bitch again this week. I wonder why? Not anymore.

Week 17

 Day 106
Love Saturday mornings when the whole family is around and no one has to work and there are some fun plans in the mix later….Oh wait, I was dreaming about the no work thing. Oh well. But all was not lost because it turned out to be a glorious day and the kid and I were able to do some shopping followed by a slurpee run! How fun is going to 7-11 with your little ones and letting them pick out the flavors? They were amazed at all of the kinds and we tried to squeeze every flavor into a small cup. By the time we got home the Mr. was home from work (short day) and we started getting ready for a party that night with the kids. How come every time I shower someone has to bust in the door? Don't moms get any privacy EVER? Well, it turned out that it wasn't any of my kids but my Big Kid, my husband, that naughty boy. However, his advances were thwarted by the slight tappings on the door by the real kids wanting to know why we were both in the bathroom. Again, Privacy…never…EVER. After the shower I was again in the prime outfit (nothing) for some quick action so of course, it went quick.

Day 107
Easter!!!!! The Easter bunny came and pooped out some jelly beans for my kids at my house!!! How delightful. Now that my children will have a permanent sugar high for the next week, it will really be an interesting week. Even though I did not have any candy, watching my kids eat candy gave me a headache! Later on, we ended up spending time over my parent's house and having a fun time. After the sugar high was over, the kids went off to sleep and my husband and I enjoyed a glass of wine (well, a little more than one; maybe a few -Bottles) and shared some intimacy before drifting off to dream land. I don't know but drunken sex is always fun times.

Day 108
The headache continues and I am starting to think that it wasn't the sight and mental anguish of knowing that my kids would be bouncing off the walls from all the candy they got for Easter but rather the hormone fluctuation going on inside my body. Man I hate knowing what's coming next, and within the next hours...of course, that bitch is back. Great, now I have to re-think that whole "rip his clothes off and jump on him" routine that I was thinking about today. Totally went down the pisser. Eah, it feels like I haven't used my mouth in a while so why not. Since that equal rights thing in the 60's maybe I should accommodate my anatomy in that as well. Give my mouth and my crotch equal rights.

Day 109
When I am being a bitch know that I have nothing to do with it. I swear that I don't mean it, hormones play a big part and it just means that I don't feel well, I am stressed or I am bleeding out of my flippin' vagina. I am so sorry that women are bitches and that men just have to put up with their asses once in a while to get what they really want. Luckily tonight I was able to put away our differences and just give him what was coming to him without that much of a fight. I mean really, like there was that much of a fight because I don't want to lose focus on what the big picture is here, learning from 365 sex after all, I am the one who started it.
So come over here big boy!

Day 110
Tiredness is the theme when it comes to my time of the month. I could sleep all day and night if I was able to but alas, I work late and wake up early enough. Sometimes I just want to cuddle and be relaxed and babied for a while (like that would happen). So my man gets home, we eat dinner; I give the kids a bath and have to change my clothes because the kids soak me with water in the tub, as usual. In the room I change in the closet and hear someone in the bedroom; so I go about my business only to realize that my husband is being a peeping tom!!! UGH!!! He whispers, "I am so H-O-R-N-E-Y" through the hinge of the door and laughs. I laugh to myself and say "I am T-I-R-E-D!" "Stop being a peeper, you'll get it when the kids are sleeping. I really need to relax on the couch for a while"….'OKAYYYYY', I hear as he leaves the room like a little boy who just got caught in the cookie jar. So I made him wait for a little while, is that so bad? Later, I realized that it's because of my tremendous ability to use my mouth every month that gets me into this sort of trouble. I use my 'glorious' mouth and then I have to go and "re-program" him at the end of the week; it's like he is on a binder! Haha!

Day 111
Late nights are a good thing because he is tired, so am I and it's just easier we both want to get it over with. I told him that he should think of a porno instead of golf in his mind when I am doing this so it won't have to last that long. Apparently it works.

Day 112
Ahhhhhhhh….(opens mouth wide) just put it in there and let me get this morning over with. I love you hunny but I am so tired.

Does your chain hang low?

Since Friday I did not elaborate on what the evening brought us I will enter it here in the intro. So we get there and immediately were amazed at the wonderful things to do around the town. If you wanted to chill, they had that; if you wanted to get all fancied up, they had that; if you wanted to be all crazy and wild...They had a few things for that. We get there and "christen" the room and then head over to a great brewery in town (which was amazing) and later went back to the hotel to get ready for dinner. We decided on a Tapas bistro because we hear that they have salsa dancing and found that their food was out of this world! SO amazing!!! Anyway, for small plates they sure make you full but there was no salsa dancing that night apparently, we were misinformed. We did find ourselves at a dueling piano bar loaded up with 40 something's (I have to say this because some of you may know that my husband is 40 and I am 30 so that "spring chicken joke is played a lot) anyway, loaded with OLDSTERS, I commence to drinking martinis to drown out faces and old Neil diamond songs being played. Of course, my oldster (ha ha…I love you baby!) husband decided to pull me up on the dance floor and dance. I proceed to beg the piano man to play a snoop dog tune to get me back on track and away from the twilight zone. There was a woman celebrating her 90^th birthday and she never moved off of the dance floor the whole night. If I get to make it that far, I want to boogie all night at a piano bar; that's for sure. Anyway, so I get bumped around and booted by some old booty off the dance floor a few times but I will admit, it was very entertaining. We run back to the Hotel and try to crash a wedding but it didn't work because all of the people there were black. When we came through the door, the music stopped and everyone turned to look at the "whiteys" that came and we decided to back out of the room slowly. Back to the room we discover a bottle of champagne delivered by room service and decided call the front desk to which we were told that it was a mis-delivery and to ENJOY! Ha! A few minutes later we were trying to figure out how to tie each other up to the bed posts. T'was a goooood night.

Week 16


Day 99
No kids, no alarm clocks and no sense of urgency in any fashion! Ahhh…. I woke up at 6am to get some water and thinking that I was going to just relax a bit more before jumping in the shower, I dozed off again. Waking up at 10:30 is something that I have not been able to do since I was a teenager and it was so nice. Just as nice was the mid morning romp followed by some time on the town. While we were out and about I was trying to find a spot where we could sneak off and have a little exhilarating fun together but it was raining and there seemed to be too much people out and about too. So back at the hotel later proved to be the best spot for a bottle of wine and rolling around in some hotel whites!

Day 100
WOW! Day 100 is our anniversary day?! How cool is that? In the last 8 years it has been super sunny and a wonderful 70 degrees. The day that we were married it was dreary in the morning but changed to the most beautiful day ever! This year, however was cold and dull and it never changed as we made our way home. Man I am going to miss that town but I did learn that there is a ton of stuff for the kids to do so we will be back soon. But of course, we took advantage of the hotel room…away from kids….clean…..just him and me….for one last time before leaving. I really did miss the kids though.

Day 101
Today is kind of funny because I think that I have had enough sex to last me all this week with our weekend getaway. I swear my crotch is raw! It's pretty painful when your guy hasn't shaved everyday and he goes south a couple times, like sand paper on wet toilet paper. I let my husband know just how I am feeling down there and he spills out one of his famous lines, "just put some lotion on it!" "Oh like that is going to work right now? Put some friggen lotion on it? What kind of lotion does he have?!? Ugh". So I put some lotion on it and later it felt better (UGH whatever). He also told me that if it hurt down there he could let "her" have the night off and would let my mouth talk to the ol' one eyed snake that night. *Sigh* I guess.

Day 102
Did you ever look at balls? They are fun-e looking! One minute there bigger on one side, the next they are all little and scrunched up and even later still they are all evened out and loose. Why are they like that? I asked my husband just why they did that and right away he answered my question and said "I dunno". *Rolling eyes* how can you not know why your balls do what they do? I know why my nipples get hard; I know why and when my pus gets all wet…why do you now know about the way your balls hang? Does this question even have any relevance to keep going with it? It doesn't really matter because I know that placing balls in your mouth or giving them a slight tug forward while giving head can speed up the process and get you sleeping on that pillow in no time.
I know, I know…a little bit raunchy for me to talk like this but whatever I said it…BALLLSSSSS

Day 103
Our big ol' TV died. I am really disappointed because it was only 5 years old and it was huge, 67 inches! And we paid close to 5K for that thing and since fate likes to take a big dump on us every so often, the warranty ran out literally a couple weeks ago. DAMN! We bought a 51' inch and it makes me realize how ridiculous that big o'l TV was. I mean, do we really need that big of a TV taking up space? You can't mount the damn thing? Speaking of mount? I wonder if we could DO IT on that TV…I am running out of positions to try and who can say that they actually screwed on a TV?

*runs off to try it*


Yeah, ok…67 inches is way too tall for my 31' legs to do that. So we did it "by" the TV. Lmao!

Day 104
Is it Thursday already? Kids are off on break AGAIN and Easter is Sunday coming up so my Sister came by and helped us dye eggs and played with the kids for the day. It's nice to have visitors and it's also funny to see them bolt out the door after my monsters are with them all day. HA! At least they were all asleep and it was a nice relaxing time to enjoy each other.

Day 105
"Good mornin', TIME TO GO TO WORK! I ride on the bus into the city every day, I sit on the seat and I dream myself away. I dream I'm on an island with that foxy lady too But when I awaken I must be mistaken I'm on 3^rd avenue. Won't you take me away and take away me"?

I woke from that dream and woke up to a great morning with a great man. J

Forever and For Always

When I think of how quickly years go by I really have to stop to catch my breath sometimes. My husband and I will be celebrating our 7^th Wedding anniversary this weekend and to me, this was the quickest 7 years and 11 years together! I remembered past relationships that may have lasted only a few years and thought that they d…r…a…g…g…e…d on and it's interesting to know that when you are with someone that you want to be with and who makes you complete, the adventure that you have together may only take but a blink.

Week 15

Day 92
I have been feeling kinda down about myself lately. I know I have a million irons in the fire but losing weight is really important to me right now and no matter how hard I try, I can't find the time to get in some exercise. I hate passing a mirror and find myself looking at old pictures wishing that I looked like that again. I would love to have a family portrait done but I am having a hard time with the fact that I will have to be in the photo rather than the one taking the picture. I tried waking up early only to have a child up all night so that I am exhausted by the time morning comes. Or I ask my kids to play while I get in some time on the treadmill, and then they start wanting to walk/play on it and my little dude would put his hands near the belt. I just don't get it. Maybe there is some kind of alignment with the universe that states that I am destined to be a fat ass for the rest of my life. I know that this is only temporary and that once all the kids are in school full time it will be easier but, I want it now so bad. So my outlook on my appearance has had another down turn today because when it came the time to have some fun with my guy, I felt awkward and gross and it put a damper on the emotion and passion that is usually there. He always gets so mad at me when I say stuff like this but today I couldn't stand him touching me….I usually can find the humor in all things but I just couldn't today. And the worst part is that because of these feelings, I did not enjoy sex with my husband today, how terrible that I let this get in the way. L

Day 93
This was the most beautiful and warm day in a long time and the fam spent most of our time outside! Well, almost everyone; my Husband was cooped up to watch the Masters. What a tart! I swear that golf stuff could put me to sleep faster than a knock out. Come to think of it, I rather knock myself out than watch that…but I digress, I was outside and I even got sunburned! Later on, and a few Leinekrugel's later, it was time to come in and get the kids to bed. I seriously have no life, huh? Anyway, once the kids were off to bed the Mr. kept looking at me and getting all grabby grabby, I thought to myself, "of course, now that Golf is over and the kids are sleeping he wants to give me some attention…well, I don't buy that MISTER!" But aside from my feelings, I went with the flow and not too long, it was over. Sigh…used again. Ha!

Day 94
I was able to exercise today! YAY!!!!!!! God that felt great! I know that there is a connection to mind, body and soul thing and to me, exercise feeds each of these things. It makes everything more positive, even my feelings for myself. A lot of women face these issues and I think that (and I can't believe that I am actually saying this but…..) media and men's feelings toward women, create this feeling of inadequacy for ourselves. I will face it, I will NEVER be a size zero; I am just not built that way, I am German for crying out loud. But I know for a fact that I can look damn hot at a size 8, shit even a size 12 so I am going to try to keep pluggin and feeling good. By the way, the SEX WAS AMAZING today!

Day 95
A catch up to a couple of things and some unexpected things (good things) sent me into a mode that made me feel like the flash, you know, that superhero that races around in a FLASH, today. I was trying to get 15 things done at once trying to free myself up for the weekend. In the same time, the MR. kept coming into the office letting me know that I am neglecting him by staying in the office doing work until god knows when. "Tough shit, I will come out when I am done!", I say irritated. I mean really, why do I get all kinds of grief when I have a little more to do? Is it because everyone expects something from me? Well, I know my husband does expect at least 1 thing…Anyway; I tried to be as fast as possible so that the "baby" could get what he wanted. I swear.

Day 96
So I have been thinking lately that I am really amazed at myself for being with my husband for so long. I mean, he is wonderful and I am seriously happy but looking down the path that I have come from makes me feel blessed that I was able to find someone like him. I was thinking of all of the qualities that he has and realizing that he really does have it all. Funny, smart, charming, empathetic, emotional, territorial sometimes (which really is a charming trait)…..wow, it's hard to find all of these in one guy. Oh who am I kidding, it's because he has a huge DICK! :O Drink another one "L3"!


Day 97
I really wish that there was more time in a day to get things that need to be done finished ( but really, I love being busy). To top it all my kids have been a bunch of stage 5 clingers and won't leave me alone to get things done! Its, "I want this" and "I want that", "Where is that "Can I change my clothes a million times", "Where are the butcher knives located?"…etc. ect…It's like, really kids? How do you want everything when I am busy and when I am not busy you could care less who I am and when lunch is for that matter! Anyway, so finally got most of my crap done and my man comes home to me packing some clothes for tomorrow. He gives me a big hug from behind and under the circumstances, it is a welcomed break. And oh what a break it was! It was just what I needed to get me back on track and ready to finish up.

Day 98
Today is a good day for sure because we leave to go on a mini vacation for our Anniversary! My Mother will be watching the kids all weekend (BONUS). We are going someplace that I have not been too and I am not sure if there is anything to do there but, what the hell. If there isn't anything to do, I know some indoor activities that will keep us plenty busy.

3 hrs from now we will get to Grand Rapids and check into our room with a bottle of champagne and relive our wedding night.     EEEKKKK so excited!

Hawt Heelz

Ever since I met my husband, he and most of my friends that knew me around…say…18-23 years old will say that I am a complete klutz and I fall all the time. He even got me an ankle bracelet that had engraved on it "Ankles Malloy" because he felt that I should have an alter ego since I could fall over a millimeter size crack on any pavement and I was like a non-superhero. Well, it didn't help that I always wore very high heels that never felt comfortable and now I wear socks…eah, socks all the time around the house. Whoa, when did I get so boring! Well, now that I am able to see that I have become something that I never wanted to be in my life, I will be wearing my heels to school to drop my kids off and even to the grocery store. There may be more falling but who cares, I will be wearing some hawt heelz.


Week 14

 Day 85
I hung out with the kids while the hubby worked and later, made some dinner and played hockey with the kids in the basement. It was totally chill and we liked it like that. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could get out with my friends and just out on the town without the kids on the weekends but I know that one day when I look back, I will be happy to say that I spent this much time with them even if they do drive me crazy sometimes. It was a chill day and so was the lovin that night. I was still yucky so he had a nice slow blow.

Day 86
We had a funny conversation about how I used to wear high heels all the time, even when we were getting a little frisky before kids, of course. I had leopard print, red, hot pink and black stilettos, 4inch, 5 inch platforms, any kind of hot shoe, I had them and I loved them; shit, I even had a pair of sparkly, 5 inch maryjanes! I know this is nothing compared to some women I know now but to me, the weirder the shoes the better. So, since I was officially free of my monthly burden I decided to surprise my hubby tonight when we went off to bed. He went to get a drink of water and I went off to the room and placed one of his white dress shirts on and a pair of the sexiest shoes I have and nothing else. I lit a candle and waited until he came in the room. I seriously contemplated positioning myself in the door with one hand up and one on my hips but felt that he may just laugh or spit out the water he was just swallowing. I decided to just sit on the bed with my legs crossed and my arms holding me up in kind of a cocky, "I'm going to get what I want" kind of manner. He walks in and I swore in that moment when he came in I heard "hubba hubba" in his head! He smirks and puts his arm around me and starts to kiss me. Recounting the moment was a mix between porn and good old fashioned love making.

Day 87
There was nothing crazy today just normal chore filled day with the kids running around off for spring break. Why do little kids have spring break anyway with all of the time they have off as it is? Anyway, this was a late night for us and like the night before, we were both in the mood to relive it but for some reason I just couldn't get into it. Unfortunately, I didn't get to have the whole "hallelujah" moment this night. But he was happy regardless…ha! Jerk!

Day 88
So today was a much needed day off for my handsome husband and we decided to take the kids to Frankenmuth, Michigan. We got there and started to walk around the outdoor Zehnders mall and found a funny store called Woody's where we were laughing hysterically at the "fish" flavored candy and fully stocked shelves of pocket Jesus'. I almost bought my Mother a grilled cheese maker that toasts a heavenly vision in your sandwich or a coffee mug that when you get to the bottom, the heat from the drink makes another sacred image. This store was the COOLEST; they even had a toilet monster to scare your friends and flux capacitor shirts. I did manage to snag myself a cool bottle of "bitch smack those germs" pocket sanitizer. Later we got some flavored popcorn, bought the kids some toys at the toy store, went to the country store, cheese haus and had some yummy chicken dinner. Then it was time to go and see my man play hockey! The kids loved it as usual and every time # 16 would go to the bench to have a break, my little son would cry. Awww, what a daddy's boy! When we all got home it was jammy time and straight to the rooms for the kids and I did not hear one peep. Thank goodness. You know, I kinda like when the day goes this good…because I still had just enough energy to have a little romp with my guy.

Day 89
Injured my neck with the shake weight….yeah, I was hoping to get it to improve my hand job techniques but it ended up giving me a pinched nerve in my neck. No really though, I love this thing and it actually works. However, I must have been going at it all wrong! I don't understand. I mean, I even followed along with the guy on the video and everything! Even when the guy was all biting his lip and having a hard time counting to 30, I was right there. Maybe I should have gotten the 2.5 lb instead of the dude version. Oh-well, when my neck heals, I am still going to do it some more. My arms are still hurting and that is a good sign. But the problem is that I was slightly immobile tonight, oh but when I was bent over onto the bed from the floor I didn't hurt so bad and I forgot all about the pain for a second…er, make that 3 minutes or so. LOL

Day 90
Incapacitated STILL! Ugh, damn shake weights! So I will let him make up all the good head that he got in the last week by utilizing some of the wonderful products that I got not too long ago and letting him have fun with me. This is going to be so fun to not have to do much.
30 minutes later – "oh my GOD! Now I can't feel my legs!" It is so much more intense when you reach the "o" face like that. OMG he totally made up for not only for the nights that he got to have his big ol' schlong in my mouth, but Monday night non-O!

Day 91
My neck, my back, lick my ***** and my crack. EWW…Does she really say "lick her crack" in that song? I dunno, but it was the first thing that I was thinking this morning. *sigh* I love Fridays.

This whip is the whip

Week 13
I have been asked a few times this week whether or not I have lost weight, improved stress, etc… And the answer on the stress is; some days. When it comes to my complexion, not really because I have not had time to drink enough water and put on enough lotion and not to mention but sex alone will not do that. Weight loss? Yeah, like 5 lbs and that was not due to sex, it is due to a need and want to lose it in the first place. You would have to have sex for at least 3-12 hours a day in order to lose weight from it. The real weight loss is a mind game because when you have sex frequently with your partner you release all kinds of good feeling chemicals into your brain. You may get that whole "in love" feeling again and I don't know about you folks but when I am in love or just plain happy, I do not eat a lot. So what it comes down to is that having sex everyday may not be a way to lose weight and it isn't the only source of improvement in your life but it can lead to a happier, healthier life.


Day 78
I am going on a date with my hunny tonight! I am so excited to be able to go on an actual date and then we are going to meet up with some friends! So I have to make sure that everything is in order: toes painted; check, Fake eyelashes on; check, Hair all did; check, Body girdle; chhhheeeckk, Oh maybe not. I look more like a stuffed sausage than hourglass in this contraption. Now I have to take this thing off with OUT getting a broken finger or dislocated hip for all that matter. Its better off of me because I was just thinking how in the world would that be if we came home, started ripping each other's clothes off and then it takes hours to try to get this thing off. I wouldn't want him seeing me wearing one of these things anyway; he loves me, fat tummy and all. After all, he helped make this fat tummy with all the kids he MADE me have (just kidding). So later on, we have a wonderful dinner and went out and got a little tipsy, saw a celebrity, I gave some road head, he got some road head and made it home and commenced to ripping each other's clothes off and that is about all I remember.

Day 79
This morning I went to move the car and there were two round prints on the window of the passenger side window of my husband's car. This has happened before so I know exactly what had happened last night. I walk in and ask my husband when the "incident" had occurred and he turns and asks me, "what do you mean, you don't remember that?" I reply, "no, of course not". "Well", he starts " we turned passed Gratiot and you decided to go all Frank the Tank on me like you used to and flashed a car full of drunk guys your boobs" LMAO Lord have mercy. See what happens when I drink? It's like that old school movie all over again. I hate to admit this but I was frank the tank before that movie even came out. Streaking? Yeah, I think Will Farrell got in my head or something. *SHAKES head*. There are too many friends and random people that have seen me streak by them in my life. Well since it was Sunday, and the house is a buzzing with the sounds of kids playing and some boring stuff on T.V. we again, sneak off into the bedroom when the kids are not around and have a little fun.

Day 80
So my order has not arrived from the party last week and that's fine, I am a patient woman. I can wait long periods and it's ok because I have this here catalog and I can just flip through the ol' thing and have a look see at what I will be getting and get all excited! I am o-kay, yep yep yep…ok. Sheesh, this is tough waiting because I am getting all nervous thinking about what am I going to do when national ass slapping day rolls around and I don't have my whip. I think what I will do is get a bunch of big rubber bands and cut them, then take that long stick thingy that my cat plays with and somehow attach the rubber bands onto the end of it and VIOLA! A homemade whip! Too bad the damn thing keeps falling apart. *sad face* You know what, that's fiiinnee I am beat from playing with the kids all day anyway, I will just have some good old fashioned whoopee without any fancy stuff tonight.


(*walking away*…smack smack smack….clunk…."damn thing broke!!")


Day 81
So I took my kids to java jungle with a friend and her kiddo and it was so fun. I basically had to go in and play with my son since he is still a little young for this stuff and man was it a work out! I was sweating like a bulimic at an all you can eat buffet within the first 10 minutes of playing. The other day it was chuck e cheese and now this, this could be my new workout routine and the kids would have a blast too! The only problem is that when I come home there is a ton of crap to do. I really wish some things would just do itself in this house. HE HE…Yes, do its self. I once knew a couple that had a "do it yourself night" where they would apparently pleasure themselves in the same room. Uh, I don't know about you but this would not work with me. I would be like "oh, just get up here and do me already!" So tonight is a just "get the hell over with it night" for us since I have lack of muscle strength.

Day 82
Yay it's here it's here! My whip is here!!!! Yay…. Now, what am I going to do with it? You all think I am kidding but I am serious, I don't see myself using this lots and I really just WANTED it to have it. Now that I actually have it reality is setting in and I am thinking what the first step is to actually using this thing. Do I say,"hey…come here…SMACK SMACK" to him or do I wait until he is all undressed and then start beating the shit out of him? Really, the possibilities are endless but none of them seem to be the right way to approach it. Maybe I should just tell him that it came in the mail and let him figure out when to use it. Damn, I knew should have bought the bondage kit (ha ha). Really, this isn't going to work out tonight because the "aunt flo" is back and it's so not fair. She seriously sneaks up on me and in the last few months it feels like I am on it like every 2 weeks. *sigh* oh well, at least I will be primed for when our anniversary weekend comes up in a few weeks. Till then, I have some edible lube and some lollipops to lick.

Day 83
I feel like I got the crap beat out of me. Why can't men go through this at least once in their lives? I have a whole house full of stuff to catch up on and the kids have not been sleeping right. No, I take that back, they have been sleeping right…right on top of me! In the middle of the night my son wakes up and my husband puts him in our bed and now lately my oldest daughter decided that she has to sleep with us too and stealth's into our room in the middle of the night and usually plants herself next to me or on top of me. Meanwhile, the other one is already on my head. This has got to stop! Crazy kids! Besides, I really miss that 2am wake-up and half sleep quicky. Speaking of quickies, tonight's adventure was over with quite quickly. Huh, lucky me.

Day 84
I dreamt I was on an ice louge and woke up with a bunch of white stuff in my mouth. And NO, it wasn't snow. (fyi…the kids were already up in the living room when this all occurred)

Criminal

Lord, forgive me of my sins for I do not understand why I get into so much trouble for simply being me. I have always been the bad kid, the rebel, the one who starts all the shit and the one who finds herself in the oddest of situations. I have learned a lot from life being the "naughty" one and life lessons help to make you a little more well rounded and colorful as a person. Since I am getting older, I don't cause as much damage as I use to but even when I am trying to be a good girl, the black cloud follows me and something incurs. I try to broaden my spectrum and meet new friends to surround myself with because that is me, I love people. And since I love people and love to talk, it's hard to walk away from a good conversation when it comes my way. In the past year I have met some really great gals who now, I consider to be good friends and that is so valuable to me because when you have a hard day, there is nothing like some girl talk and a bottle of wine to cheer you up…no matter if the police are searching for you……




Week 12




Day 71
I enjoyed the day with my two girls bowling in the morning with the anticipation of the much needed girlfriend time later in the night. So in between, the hubster' had to work for a bit and was super tired when he came home. So I tried my best and gave him a quick something' somethin' before the kids really got on his nerves and then I had to leave for the night. A friend of mine was having a sex toy party and really people, like I wouldn't go to that??!? I took my tipsy pineapples and a box, yes BOX of wine with me to admire some dildos and laugh with some fantastic ladies. While there, I was selected to be strapped to a nice lady using a bondage kit. My new friend and I "bonded" quite quickly as I was lay there on the floor below her, blindfolded and had my legs and arms strapped around her while she was sitting. By doing this my legs were in the air in a "v" formation, and open for business. This was hysterical…. When I got up, and was walking away, the consultant wrapped the bondage strap around me and started "banging" me from behind to demonstrate another amazing trick that this strap could do. Too funny! In a living room full of girls, I actually felt violated for a moment. Later on, I decided to buy a heart massager, some heated lube and a whip. This should be interesting when the package arrives….*smack smack smack* After the party, I had a fun time chatting with the neighbor gals (what an awesome neighborhood to live in) and eventually everyone left. I wanted to help my friend who had the party clean up so in my drunken state, placed meatballs in a container and that's all I could do without stumbling. After, we just started gabbing and in the midst of a great conversation that, as I said earlier, I can't walk away from, my phone died. This became a problem as I could not hear my now frantic husband calling. I asked what the time was and realized that it was nearly 3 in the morning! WHAT?!?! 3AM?!?! See, in my mind it was like 12 and that was decent. So I raced home, which is right around the block and find police cars in my drive way and in the street. Thinking something terribly wrong happened to my children or husband, I get out of the car and ask the Officer what happened? He proceeds to tell me that my husband has been calling me for hours (so not true…20-30 min tops) and felt that something was wrong with me because it was not like me to stay out that late without calling. I explained that my phone died and that I was OK and I was not in a ditch (DUH). In the house, asked my very concerned husband what the hell he was thinking…Of course, looking at it now, I understand where he was coming from but I can't win. I will always be the one who gets into trouble, even when I am really doing nothing.

Day 72
Ugh, hangover. Why did I have to drink like that? "So you wanna be a drinker," I hear in the other room? Luckily, the heart massager was in stock last night and instead of massaging each other with it, I held it onto my heat to cure my headache. I seriously love this thing, it's amazing because you press this little metal disc inside the pouch and the whole thing heats to 129 degrees for at least an hour. It's not only good for sensual massages but good for cramps, back pain, sinus pressure, etc… Super Fab. Later when I felt good, we decided to try out my wonderful arousal cream (so awesome, there is a reason why its called X-scream) and buttered rum flavored massage lotion...pretty decent stuff, I can't wait to get the blueberry.

Day 73
So lately my kids have been up all hours of the night and it's been really hard sleep wise to tonight when ALL the kids got to bed I just wanted to chill for a moment. Usually we get to the juicy stuff right away because we know that someone will be waking up as soon as we are done or just as our heads have hit the pillow. But tonight, I just wanted to grab a snack or some wine before bed and just veg until we felt like going to the bedroom and then start on all the fun stuff. Well, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and my Mister Mister comes up behind me and all grabby grabby…I turn around, annoyed and say "fine, let's just go right now…come on (as I am walking to the bed room)" he follows me and in about 10 minutes we emerge from the bedroom and I went back to enjoying my wine without others depending on me for a short while….approximately 2 minutes after I sit down, one of the kids are up. Figures *sigh*

Day 74
When I ordered something online I was able to get a free year subscription to any magazine in their list for a year. So being the awesome wife that I am, I chose Maxim magazine because I figured that my husband would like to read about cars and cigars and boy stuff. I had no idea what was really in this magazine but it now is one of my very favorite magazines because it talks about straight up boy stuff, sex, women, cars, and even quizzes…it's like the guy version of Cosmo! Not that I am a guy or anything but I love to know what is going on in their heads! So after the kids are asleep, I am sitting there minding my own business, mind you…and the good ol' boy comes in and starts talking about how he thinks that he is going down on me all wrong. I sit up a little higher and ask why he thinks this and he tells me that he was, get this, reading COSMO, the other day! (What? Where the hell did this man get a Cosmo?) They said that he was doing it all wrong. He tilts his head a bit to show me a preview of what they said to do…..I look at him like he just crapped his pants and reply, "NO, hun…believe me you are doing it juuusst fine". "Wanna go see if what they said is better," he asks?

*20 MINUTES LATER* It was good…but to be quite honest, he is way better than what COSMO says. If he really wanted some answers he should have just read his Maxim!

Day 75
Note to self: Do not wear those slightly snugger than normal yoga pants again around the big guy OR inadvertently bend over while wearing them unless away from him completely. My hubby had a day off of work and he went in anyway but then left early, conveniently when the kids were at school and my son was taking a nap. He walked in and I made him lunch and while I was placing the lettuce on the sandwich so thoughtfully, I could feel eyes staring at me from behind; mainly at my behind. I turned around and sure enough, there he was staring my "juicy double" as if he just bought the biggest big mac in the world. "Seriously, wipe the drool off your chin fool….here is your sandwich," I push the plate into his abdomen as I walk by feeling the same pair of eyes on me again. "I'm sorry, I can't help it," he says "Every time you turn around there your butt is and it's so nice". "Yeah right" I say, slightly irritated. I mean the booty gets him every time but the rest of me was not that delicious looking at the moment. I had my "lazy hair day" hat on and a tank top that probably had at least one hole or stain on it. I wasn't in the mood just yet. While he was eating I freshened up just in case he was still interested when he was done and sure enough, yes, he was still hungry apparently….only for my big ass! LOL

Day 76
UGH!!! So much work to do today and tonight it seems! Well, at least quickies are good for breaks from work and staring at a computer screen and dealing with my failing illustrator program. You would think 9GB of RAM would be enough for this crap. Anyhow, he came home -bing bam boom- I was refreshed and he went off to the bed room to sleep for the night. Nothing fancy here kids.

Day 77
"I like big butts and I cannot lie….naa naa nanaaa" Hmmm… why do I have this song in my head after morning nookie? Going to be one hell of a day, I am going on a date with my guy tonight! And maybe catch up with some friends. Oooh, I hope I get my whip today! That would be so much fun  (I will keep you posted)

All American C. S.

Was there a full moon this week? I am not sure whether the moon or its phases ever has any real pull into relationships and how your mind works but I would bet there was a full moon or a new moon this week. I swore that there was a beast in my house that turns at the moon and hungers for some innocent (me) victim to satisfy his urges. If I had a tree in my back yard, other than a pine tree, I would take the branches off and use it to beat him off of me. I guess that guys have a cycle too. I am documenting this and seeing if it holds true next month.


Week 11


Day 64
My husband is obsessed with the lollipop lick. He seriously has been a little too enthusiastic about it and I know when he is thinking about it because he gets this crazy grin and just looks at me and sighs and nods his head like "oh yeah". Occasionally he passes me by and whispers "lollipop" with a pathetic begging face. When I asked what he and the kids wanted for dinner he replied, "Lollipops!" and of the course the kids were all like "LOLIPOP? REALLY?" *Disgusted sigh followed by head shaking* "No, we will NOT be having Lollipops for dinner *evil glance at my husband* we will be eating something nutritious and healthy!" To which my husband then says, "Well, we can have tube-steak smothered in underwear then!" *UGH!* Ok, so I have to giggle at that one but I hope to god that they never repeat that in public. Later, of course, I gave him what he begged for and he was happy. I should only reserve this for one week a month but this secret weapon could be a bad thing.

Day 65
Today is a seriously boring day. Kids are still sick but so stir crazy that they are getting on my nerves! Of course, I can't take them anywhere being sick but I had a hard time thinking of ways to keep them occupied. Also, Mr. Penis is also acting up and making my husband go nuts with this darn licking thing! It's actually quite comical that that little "technique" (who a gay man told me to try) is having such an influence. I am so never listening to a gay man again because I don't want to be getting it on ALL day. I just thought once a day would be enough but I had to try something new and then I find myself in an abyss of self-loathing for even bringing up this NYE thing. But I guess it could be the opposite and I should be happy that my guy wants it so bad from me, at least he won't ever stray with "guns" like this. *points to tongue and crotch*

Day 66
I must have a sticker on my head that says "all American cock sucker" because this is all this man wants! What the fuck! Can't we just fuck and get it over with. My mouth is not in the mood and there is a hole down yonder that is way more perfect for the job. I mean, it doesn't gag or nothing when it goes in all the way. But I actually did get it my way and it was soooo nice. J

Day 67
Smelly hockey guys…actually a turn on. Huh…. I hate when he has to work or play late but man is it nice when he comes home and the kids are asleep and the time is all ours.

Day 68
From the minute my handsome face got home he was all grabby grabby, trying to pull me into the bedroom and get my hand so he could show me how, uh, eager he was to have some fun tonight. When the kids weren't around I have him a little tease and got on my knees for a moment. I honestly couldn't wait for the kids to go to sleep too! Once they were in bed we got right to business and it wasn't just once, no, it was 3 time!!!! I was completely surprised and somewhat suspicious at his desire because usually it's once and good night. Later he confided in me that while he was at work and talking to other men about their wives, he realized that he really is lucky. Awww….that's right biach. Ha ha

Day 69
I was so busy all day cleaning and playing with the kids and did not have time to talk to my babe at work. When he came home, Mr. grump face told me that his day wasn't so good. Since its St. Patrick's day and he is Irish, I let the luck be in his favor and gave him what he loves the most to cheer him up. It was really unexpected to him, I could tell, but I am certain that it made all the poopy things about work go away instantly.

Day 70
Me: "Good Morning hunny"
Hubby: "come on gurl, I just want to get some stank for dis hang-low" *pointing to his Johnson* I love this Man. Ha!

Think before you speak

I think that this week will be the shortest of all the posts so far. I have to admit that there was some seriously boring and crabby moments this week. When hormones, school work, doctor appointments, registration and a million other things are going on, I have no idea how I managed to even remember anything that happened during the week. I guess that it's funny that we all have busy lives but making each other a priority is always something that can slow us down even in a shitty mood.



Week 10

Day 64
"How come every time I get near you or when you give me a hug, your pee pee goes up?", I ask Mr. Thang. "UH, I dunno…you turn me on! Duh", was his gracious explanation. "Well, I haven't showered, my hair is all crazy looking and my crotch is bleeding, I don't think that you should trust me right now. I might just hurt ya!", I say. "Ha ha, you're right, how can I trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and does not die?!". Later you will get it, don't worry.

Day 65
I think that I am dying. The kids are sick again! And I have favored this crabby, foul-ass mood lately. I just want to run away and live under a rock until the world explodes in 2012. I don't want to do it; I don't even want to look at a penis. I just want to be left alone!
Later: Penis -1 /Me -0

Day 66
I am serious, my mouth is sore! Really, are there muscles in my cheeks? Can someone really answer this because I just don't even feel like looking it up right now? Because it feels like they had a workout. Besides the fact that I have NO enthusiasm and again, the foul-ass mood is here, my mouth is just as tired as the rest of my body.

Day 67
Arguments….make-up sex. As far as that goes, there is no such thing because I was still mad at the world. I may have just sat there with my arms folded the whole time. ßSheesh I am a drama queen! Next month I will be stocking myself with some xantax around this time and then it will be like the whole world is just FABULOUS!

Day 68
After bitching that he also has to initiate this whole sex thing sometimes, he gave in. It didn't take much and it was on and it was so fun! My visitor left and it was fun to do something else for a change.

Day 69
Feeling sooo sooo sooo much better. Lack of sleep with all the kids being sick can really take a toll on you, among other things; wine also helps. Wine was my friend tonight and between that and the hot tub romp, I am almost 100% back to my silly old self.

Day 70
I hope this week would never come back into my memory again. How poopy was it? Poopy. Attitude is everything and I am going to make sure that I get myself on track. We all have crappy weeks and its ok once in a while but deciding whether you want to continue to be miserable or change is up to you. For me, Friday was the start of my week back on track and it was on this morning…oh it was on.

Bananas

I have always thought that my parents only had sex twice in their lives, once for my sister and once for me. Later on I learned that they had a code word for it that they would say to allow them to get ready and find each other somewhere away from us in the house. They were pretty darn good at being secret about it because like I stated earlier, I only thought they did it 2 times. I can completely identify with this because my husband and I are always locking doors, sneaking downstairs to "get something" or finding each other in bathrooms and odd locations to satisfy our needs. But it's actually fun to think of how spontaneous this has made us.






Week 9


Day 57
In my quest to find new interesting books to read about sparking sexual desires and introducing new things I found this little gem called the "Daily Sex Bible". Now most of the book has really great ideas for new and exciting things to do and places to go with your partner to enjoy sex. But a lot of it was so humorous that I had moments where I stared into the distance and imagined what it would be like. Take for instance; January 17^th "baby its cold outside" – Light a fire, buy a fluffy rug or blanket, and warm up your partner by giving them a naked massage." So first of all, I read this wrong. My immediate thought, "It's fricken winter out, I am not going outside with a blanket or RUG and getting a shivering naked massage by a bonfire that wouldn't do squat in this temperature." I must have not taken my blonde/smart pill that day because later I realized that it meant to do it inside the HOUSEEEEE. Later we tried it, I kept my clothes on because I had a self conscience moment and it wasn't bad.


Day 58
I am a moody bitch lately and I don't like it. I just want to take a hot bath, get my comfy robe on and chill but I have to do a million errand that I rather not. At this point, what would make me feel better and make me want to get it on would be if my Hunny would say "forget it; don't worry if there is a million things. Here, let me get you some wine and a book. You just relax" –omg I would be like…"In the bedroom, NOW!" But alas, that isn't happening tonight. Lucky him because that last thing on the list is for him anyway. Yes, I have added sex to the list and I was tired when he got it, as ususal.


Day 59
I wonder how many people actually fight to have make-up sex. I cannot understand this because when I get mad, I rather just go to sleep or be left alone and talk about it in the morning. I could picture the make-up sex going ok but then someone starts punching and pissed. I don't think any man should have his junk close to me when I am mad because things wouldn't be pretty. Not that I am fighting with my guy but just the thought of getting mad to have sex is a little off to me. No the only person getting mad at sex lately is our cat Ziggy. I swear that he is creeper and finds his way into the room when we are doing it or are about to. Tonight he literally climbed into bed with is as we were, uh, revving each other up and got right in the middle of us. He even sat on my hip for a while like "what?" I even saw him ball up a blanket the other day to have his way with it. Needless to say, that blanket was immediately thrown in the laundry.

Day 60
Seriously? How does this bitch catch me off guard? I must have short term memory loss or post-traumatic stress disorder when it comes to my time of the month. The time is ONCE AGAIN upon us. How can I not tell by not all of the signs and symptoms that she gives me in the week leading up to this? It's been 17 years since her visits; you would think that I would get smarter. She might as well just leave pictures of penis' and mouths around to remind me of what I will be doing in the next week rather than bloat me, make me mean, make me eat carbs and crave chocolate. Oh, yeah, and since I have gotten more zits since I have started this NY resolution I am totally writing off that sex can make your skin clear. No, to have clear skin you MUST get yourself a good cleanser, drink over a gallon of water daily, take a multi vitamin and use a good moisturizer. Ring Ring, "Hi, honey it's me…yeah, we have a visitor again. Aren't you lucky?". There was silence for a moment and then, "oh ok, see you later". I am sure he feels sympathy for me, I'm sure.


Day 61
Found a HBO special on fellatio and we watched it after the kids were asleep (duh) and learned a lot. The shaft has no nerve endings therefore you cannot get a man off my licking it but the underside, tip and balls do. And apparently the "lollipop lick" or using a circular motion on the head will enhance the experience and make the act over quickly. We tried it and in 1 minute it was over. Ahhahahaa! I have found my secret weapon. It's funny how far I have come from 9 weeks ago (no pun intended). My husband was not harmed in anyway but he did lay there afterwards longer than usual to compose himself.

Day 62
So now that I am pretty much limited during this week, you know what happened tonight. It's no secret that guys love getting head and even though my hubs tells me that he feels bad for me during this time, I know that he looks forward to it more than any other week.

Day 63
Our morning wake up dance, or so the children think, went off like a hitch. The kids still want to know why we have to lock the door to dance.

The Johnson Dealer

As my parents always said, parenting does not come with a handbook. You can never have the right answers and you can only hope that your children would come out of the whole experience when they turn adults alive. You wonder if you do the right things and think, ok maybe there is something to what my Mother told me. Eating carrots may not exactly make you see in the dark but it may help you to see better anyway. So does all of this stuff about a handbook go with marriages too? Even if you don't need to "heal" your relationship, there is always room for improvement. When you think back to the start of the relationship with your significant other, you remember the butterflies, the big smiles and the little gestures that helped you to fall in love in the first place. What happens when the honeymoon is over? This is the part of the relationship where you really learn about each other. Communication, empathy, listening, compromise and forgiveness are what you have to work on then. Don't you wish they had relationship classes in school since it's the one thing that you are constantly trying to get an A+ in?






Week 8




Day 50
It's only day 50?!?!?! Jeez, it's like I have been getting it on for years now. Let me tell you, it is not easy. I have seen lots of improvements and it's all been positive but it's like the movie is on play in slow motion. Speaking of motion, watermelon flavored massage oil is so fricken awesome. I wonder if I mixed the strawberry and that together…..

*walks out* "hey Hunny, wanna have fruit salad tonight?"

Day 51
A few weeks ago a friend suggested that I become a sex toy party lady. I not so sure because I thought about how it would be and felt it would be nice to get some extra cash but I really have no time well except for Wednesdays and Sundays and there is no way that I am selling vibrators on Sundays..lol Also when I thought about it I had a visual a room full of dildos stacked 100 deep, edible panties, motion lotions and silver bullets. This is not a room that I would like anyone to stumble upon in my house. Could you imagine 80 year old, sweet aunt Bertha opening the door to the surprise of the century? OR I could see my son or daughters coming out drinking a bottle of edible lotion just because it had a watermelon on it or playing with a big rubber dick or cock ring along side of their toy cars or dolls; like it's a bracelet or something. I do not think that I will be a pocket pussy or Johnson dealer anytime soon although it might be fun. If it was 6 years back without little ones and I was doing this NY Res, I totally would. But you know I am having a lot of fun trying out all this fun stuff on our own anyway. I have purchased items from a party before and they sat in a box for years…..until now.

*walks out* "hey Hunny, whatever happened to those edible panties?"

Day 52
So I would never wax myself again but that small patch, plus the razor work that took place and everything else down there, has started to grow back.  I expected it to come back but they say it should be less hair and finer hair too but now it's so itchy. It's funny because I find myself making sure no one is around so I can scratch myself. I even caught myself walking a little different, kind of like a fast walk but making my thighs rub together a little harder so it scratches it a bit (I honestly can't even describe that better…picture 1985 jazzercise walking). One time I saw a pole and thought how good that may feel to itch it from there. This also makes the night a bit more interesting because I keep "itching" while in the act and it can be a bit comical since I didn't tell him what was up. He probably thought that I had lice or something. Lol

*scratch scratch scratch*

Day 53
I have felt like crap for the last few days. My day starts out ok with the exception that I can barely get out of bed but once I am out, I get wide awake. But around 3 or so it's like a downward spiral. So by the time its "bed time" I am exhausted! I may have well just been sleeping because it was easier just to lay there than to do anything. After I said, "so now you know what it is to screw an unconscious person"

*opens eyes* "hey Hunny, Good nite" *scratch*

Day 54
So tired…Oh why o why must I be dis way? Ok, so seriously, I have no idea if we had sex or not? I remember bits and pieces and also remember completely falling asleep with my ass in the air. I don't believe this was a dream. I honestly like sleep sex sometimes especially if it's a good dream and I have been known to sleep sex (kind of like sleep walking) so I have had many encounters but this shit is redic! I seriously have to look into this illness lately.

*butt in air talking into pillow* "yeah yeah…nite"


Day 55
I honestly don't want to write this at this moment so I will keep it short. My son keeps waking up and its driving me nuts. I can't get any work done otherwise because I am the only one who can do anything in the whole entire house. Thank goodness there was a morning romp because I am not a happy camper right now.

Day 56

Good morning zombies….getting jiggy with it. Ugh….me wants brains. Still tired.

Do your duty

Going through the motions (ha!) of this whole resolution is becoming like second nature to me. I get up, think about all the creative ways to turn my man on, go on with my day and then hope that my kids go to bed early. Most of the time it's in the middle of the afternoon when I get a little craving and the good ol' boy is at work. I put on my sad face for a second and then usually go about my business of daily life usually letting the thoughts drift off and away. I get more excited for sex than I did before and in that, it has improved my life in a few ways so far. I also have more motivation to look better, be nicer and just plain get up and go.


Week 7


Day 43
Love Saturdays with no plans and just being able to sneak off somewhere….it's always SO fun!
Lost 3 pounds! AWE-SUM…. This is on top (ha! On top!!! Lol) of the 5 that I lost before. Just with other 'exercise' I will have to think of creative ways to make this harder; I wouldn't want to hit some kind of plateau or something. I have been looking into the chair or mirror or the laundry room for ideas lately. I wonder how much saddles cost? Ohhh What about the exercise bike?


Day 44
So I have this theory on why people should try this whole sex everyday thing. You see you are giving back to community and doing your civic duty by making others happy. Because doing it makes you happy and when you're happy, you treat others good and when others are happy we have a better world. See? Let's all get it on….K? I am going to make 1 man happy right now.


Day 45
My name is Cupid Valentina, I'd like to wish you all a Happy Valentines day!!! Time to put on my red satin sheets! I bought these gorgeous, red satin sheets and the velvet comforter from Vicky Hush Hush's (Victoria's secret) quite a long time ago and every year I put them on for a day or so. Well, it used to be a week or more but 'M doesn't like to sleep on them because they are too silky. He is a man of comfort so cotton or sateen is the way to go with him. But really, why not indulge once in a while? They are amazing for more than their silkiness; they are so sexy to me that the mere sight of them turns me on. When he got home I had placed his gift and some lil chocolates next to his pillow along with a card. I also had little candles lit everywhere around the room and some rose petals thrown about. I had also slipped into something more comfortable along with my satin robe (I know already, enough with the satin. sheesh), sat on the couch with the throw blanket pulled up to my chin. I didn't want him to think that I was trying too hard, right? He went to the room and I heard him gasp…. "Yesss", I thought to myself. He came out and told me that he did NOT have a card and that he told me that we discussed that we weren't going to do anything/get anything for each other! This was all fine to me; after all what good are cards anyway? The one I got him, I had stashed somewhere with a bunch of other hallmark cards that I bought on sale at one point. Flowers die and then you are left with the stinky water and chocolates just make you fat. With sex, all kinds of sex, you get to exercise and feel good. And when it comes to "eating at the V", you can eat all you want and you won't get fat – where else can you go for a meal like that? See? It all works out. I told him to, "shush his mouth and kiss me" and then motioned with my finger back to the room where the "chocolate and strawberries" (KY, yours and mine) was waiting.

A While later….


Oh, yeah…that was good shit…..sigh….. Does anyone have a cigarette?


Day 46
So we are sitting there, watching TV and almost ready for bed when the big guy gets up, to go to the bathroom or something, I dunno I wasn't paying attention and then all of a sudden there is a big ol' Johnson right in my face! So the time between the bathroom and the living room there was an arousal and he decided to make it known. How do men do that? And why is it necessary to basically slap my face with it? LMAO! So we take care of things and then I go to the bathroom to tidy up and realize that there is a Maxim magazine next to the toilet. NICE…. Now I know.


Day 47
Have you ever done the deed in front of a mirror? Yeah, not so good when you're a cubby one like me. My boobies were bouncing all over the place and so where other things…why in the world is this sexy? Ew. To me it was like watching a horrible car crash in slow motion. Or better yet like a sumo wrestler falling in slow motion. *closes eyes, shakes head and inhales thought teeth* yuk yuk yuk.


Day 48
Ok so we used that KY chocolate and strawberry stuff before and it's fabulous AND it's totally not like that assailant deterrent that almost cost me my eye from before. It isn't menthol or tingly, it's just intensely flavored. Anyway, my luv-a had to work late tonight and he goes in to change but when he comes out he smells like chocolate. I guess he wanted to prep for the night. Love it! I totally giggled and then went right to unbuttoning some pants. I actually like the strawberry more but who cares, its fun! I seriously have not given this much head on a non-time-o-the-month before in my life! Thanks KY


Day 49
Mmmmm… chocolate in the morning? I'm right on it! I just don't like to fool too much with Fridays. When they are good they are good.















 

I wonder how it’s like there.

Where do I begin? This week has been one of the most overwhelming, sad and reflecting times that I have had in a long time. I think life can be summarized into categories of growth and enlightenment because there are many pivotal points into one's life that makes you put things into perspective. Is the rush of daily life enough to sit down and appreciate all that you have around you? Not really. I think that when life throws you a curve ball (or two) it is meant to make you slow down and think and enjoy what we all have here, right now; life. This week I have had two young people close to me pass away and 2 other people who I am friends with had close people to them go as well. One thing that I thought about was how lucky I am to have my husband and my children right here, right now. I don't know what I would do if I had to lay in bed alone without feeling his warmth (ok, now I am getting all choked up) or the sound of laughter from my kids. But where does that leave the people who have to deal with these feelings? The spouses, children, parents and siblings are the ones that I truly grieve for. When it is all quiet is when I worry. There are so many times that I take it all for granted and as I get a little older, dealing with death and life is something that is going to come a lot more. While it does not get any easier, we all must learn that these people that have gone before us are in a place that we all want to be one day and that it's ok.


Week 6


Day 36
I heard today some sad news…there were feelings of panic and of dread. Helplessness filled the air. When you are close to someone, it's amazing how much you pick up on their emotions without them even uttering a word. My husband and I just looked at each other and tears welled up in our eyes. We hugged each other only for a few moments but they felt so good that it felt more like an hour. We both said, "Pray for a miracle" and "it's okay, it's okay" a few times before we both had to compose ourselves. Left with the reeling feelings of sadness for our friend but also their family, set the tone for the rest of the night. Later, our moment was soft and concerning, we took each other in with thoughtful care. It was one of those moments when you connect fully on a spiritual level. We felt alive.

Day 37
She's back…that stupid nature freak, "Flow", god I hate being a woman…. This is really going to help with my emotional level this week. *shakes head and rolls eyes in disgust*
We visited our friend in the hospital and in hindsight, said good bye one last time. As much as hospitals and seeing people in that position terrifies me, it was good to see her and good to talk with the family. The rest of our day was a normal Sunday with playing with the kids and waiting for the big FOOSBALL game that was supposed to come on later. Hubby went out to his friends house around the corner to watch because apparently,"they have the best spread around!". I enjoyed my evening watching Tinker bell while trying to calm a squirmy, teething baby down. Which I guess is very similar to trying to actually catching a football while running. I expected my stud-muffin to come in after the game but he surprised me at 8pm. "They ran out of the ribs…Lisa, they were so good that I want to take some and go cuddle with them in bed…that's how good they were!", he says. "I tried to get some to bring home to you but I was afraid of getting attacked", "I already ate" I say with a laugh. "And it got boring and I thought that I would rather hang out with my baby" he thoughtfully says. Awww, I know he is lying and think….what a guy. Seriously, that right there is so nice. I could care less about flowers or anything else after he said that. Needless to say, he was rewarded for his kind words.

Day 38
*Sigh* our friend has gone. So damn wrong! She was too young, to fun too….full of life. Huh. Isn't that the way it always goes? The ones that you think are too active and energetic to die are the ones to go. I just don't get it.

This is hard to be intimate when you have these emotions around. I almost feel guilty doing it because every time I do it reminds me of a celebration. But that shouldn't necessarily the case because sex is actually a celebration of life and love in general, every time you have sex with your husband, partner, wife...etc, you strengthen your vows. Did you know that marriage isn't the actual sacrament?? It's the SEX! The sex is the most ultimate expression of love and devotion between two married people and if you are catholic (like me) you get to be blessed by God every time you get it on! I am sure that it's like this in all faiths. Not to get all religious but that's just what I was told…….by a priest….he was wearing a white collar….I think. So that night, even though "flow" is here…it was very passionate and deeply emotional.

Day 39
Did I say that I am lucky to have my wonderful husband? Well I am. I am just so proud to be his wife. Honestly, we do not always get along and there are some times when I just want to be by myself (like in the other room, not not married) but that only makes us human. He tells me that I am beautiful when I feel that I am not. Once in a while he even tucks me in at night (awww!) He works so hard to put a roof over our heads and food in our bellies. He is amazing and I am so happy that I am able to share life with him. I told him this, as he looks at me like I have given up too much information that needs to be bottled up somewhere. I know guys aren't the best at emotions but hell; I am a woman and damnit, I'm-a-gonna-get-mushy! There is nothing else to say…the door closed and we got busy. Sorry to disappoint you but use your imagination on this one.


Day 40
My hunny had the day off so earlier in the day we managed to get the kids playing in another room so we tiptoed into our room and quickly shut the door and locked it because we don't need any peeper-creepers barging in. While it was quick (more like my handy mouth work was quick), it was refreshing and nice to have him home during the day.


Day 41
UGH! More bad news…A relative of mine, passed away. She had battled cancer for 10 years and also was an amazing, funny, warm hearted person. Again, the ones you think that will always be here. By now I have learned that these two women that I had the privilege to know have taught me a valuable lesson. Life is what you make of it so make it count. And this night…we made it count.


Day 42
Would it be bad if I took a shower this morning with my love? Nah….
Were all clean and warm and fuzzy inside despite what we will go through this afternoon.




Along with strengthening the bonds with others, we have enjoyed getting closer emotionally and spiritually this week. It has opened a door in our relationship that signals a new period of growth for both of us as individuals and as a couple. Sex can be healing and comforting. I remember 42 days ago we slept farther apart on our bed and now we make sure that at least one of us has his/her arm around the other. I hope that it stays like that for the rest of our lives.

Leave the dildo, keep the cannoli

Business as usual this week and we are all back to normal. No one is sick, work sucks and there is an impending snow storm that may kill us all on the horizon. Its winter people, it snows…. I will let you know if I survived when it's all over. Hey, if it traps us in the house for a few days I know what I will be doing to stay warm. There seems to be nothing else in Michigan to do in the winter around here anyway except get some action in your nice warm house, car, boat that is in heated storage, or ice shanty. Maybe that's why there are so many pregnancies that occur in the late fall through winter here? I KNOW all of mine did.

Week 5


Day 29
Same shit different day, but now with some new lingerie. Doesn't that make it all better? Oh and you can add in a bottle of wine to boot and then we are knocking some. He smiles and nods and its ON!


Day 30
Foot ball...FuuuTBALL (Say it with a really annoying sarcastic tone and that's where I am at)"Damn, I wish I were a football. Then I can get some action by a tight end in the middle of the day". That's OK Hun; I will sit here and watch. That's ok, really…No, no don't change the channel, I actually like foosball or whatever they call it (grimace). "Just as long as I get it when it's over…." I say under my breath with a smile.
When is halftime? Wanna meet me in the bathroom?


Day 31
So tonight I asked my dude if we could change it up a bit and I suggested that thing they call 69. Of course he responded with a big "hell yea!" and as I sat there, recounting what had just came out of my mouth, I hesitated for a moment thinking of how I should just go about getting on top of him. This is a delicate procedure that has to be done correctly, right? I started to think again and said, "well maybe not" …"Come on!" he says in an annoyed voice. Deep breath…ok, I climb on to him in the opposite direction and immediately felt awkward because my torso is apparently very long so really my stomach is at mouth level. Ok, what the hell am I supposed to do, pull his "thingy" down in order for it all to work out…wouldn't that be uncomfortable? We readjust and he begins. I do not. I don't start on him because I just began thinking this is not good.

So there I am presenting my ass like a Howler Monkey thinking – "omg, did I shave? My asshole is like staring him down! Are women supposed to shave their asses? Ew, I wonder if it smells? What if I fart (don't think that would happen cause' girls don't fart) Gawd that would be nast…but I am clean, I should smell like a peach…omg, but what if I don't? "My spinning thoughts totally ruined the moment. I quickly got off of him and just said "you know I rather give you a blow-job Hun." So that was my venture with 69. Yeah, not so well. Maybe next time (after I get a Brazilian wax)


Day 32
The blizzard is upon us…well, that's what the meteorologist said. But this is a funny looking blizzard because it looks just like a regular snow storm out my window. Hmmmph. Daddy-o comes home and we talk about him missing hockey for this potential blizzard. He looks at me and laughs and asks "are you really scared about a little snow?" "I could be", I say and attempt to explain to him that if he stays home we could have a romp a few times instead of just once… No dice. Sigh. I guess I will just have to wait until he comes back and I am sure it will be fine.
Later, he finds me on the couch sleeping and wakes me up. I dunno, something about half sleep sex that is somewhat paramount.


Day 33
After the night before, I was really into trying to tell myself that everything was presentable in my nether regions. My guy assured me that I was great down there and there is no need to be stupid about it. He told me as he was immersed in a hockey game so who knows if he is serious. I couldn't help it though; I have issues, when I am not sure about something I have to make sure that I am 100% confident so I have no concern when I am in the situation. I thought about the whole Brazilian option but felt that it would be crazy awkward to get all nekid with some random person in order for them to wax my crotch and butt hair. So I trot off to the bathroom. In my quest to making sure that I am completely smooth everywhere I made a grave mistake. I decided to take matters in my own hands and bought a waxing kit at the store. So with a mirror, waxing strips and some hot wax, I began to lady-scape myself. Directions: Ok, so spread the wax: Check. Apply the fabric strip: Check….Pull strip off in the opposite direction in a fast motion while holding skin taught with the other hand….checkkkkk YEOW-CH! "JEZUS CHRYSTUS MATKA BOSKA!!!" "That's enough waxing!" I say as I hurl the wax jar across the floor while simultaneously reversing screaming. I am going to have to shave the rest of this beast. HOLY COW that hurt. How the hell can people do that? I should have invested on the Tranny doing Brazilian waxes at my nearest spa. Now, even though I have to shave, I have an enormous bruise on the side of my V-J-J and it really looks ugly. Sigh. Later on, we got it on. He laughed. It hurt L


Day 34
My body is getting more accustomed to the ol' Boomtangle even though my inner crotch is still bruised. It's sort of like a pavlovian influence (conditioned response) because I swear that whenever I see my husband now, my Va-J-J begins to salivate! HA!


Day 35
1-2-3….oooooooooohhhh yeah Baby! FRIDAY morning slob knob for my babies Daddy! I decided to give "her" a rest and a cold compress later. HA! This is the best way to start the weekend Y'all, you have to try it.




I have nothing learned this week other than to stay the Fuck away from waxing strips on my Hoo Ha. Well I guess one thing more, don't worry about yourself and just enjoy the moment as it comes because thinking too much ruins the moment.