Criminal

Lord, forgive me of my sins for I do not understand why I get into so much trouble for simply being me. I have always been the bad kid, the rebel, the one who starts all the shit and the one who finds herself in the oddest of situations. I have learned a lot from life being the "naughty" one and life lessons help to make you a little more well rounded and colorful as a person. Since I am getting older, I don't cause as much damage as I use to but even when I am trying to be a good girl, the black cloud follows me and something incurs. I try to broaden my spectrum and meet new friends to surround myself with because that is me, I love people. And since I love people and love to talk, it's hard to walk away from a good conversation when it comes my way. In the past year I have met some really great gals who now, I consider to be good friends and that is so valuable to me because when you have a hard day, there is nothing like some girl talk and a bottle of wine to cheer you up…no matter if the police are searching for you……




Week 12




Day 71
I enjoyed the day with my two girls bowling in the morning with the anticipation of the much needed girlfriend time later in the night. So in between, the hubster' had to work for a bit and was super tired when he came home. So I tried my best and gave him a quick something' somethin' before the kids really got on his nerves and then I had to leave for the night. A friend of mine was having a sex toy party and really people, like I wouldn't go to that??!? I took my tipsy pineapples and a box, yes BOX of wine with me to admire some dildos and laugh with some fantastic ladies. While there, I was selected to be strapped to a nice lady using a bondage kit. My new friend and I "bonded" quite quickly as I was lay there on the floor below her, blindfolded and had my legs and arms strapped around her while she was sitting. By doing this my legs were in the air in a "v" formation, and open for business. This was hysterical…. When I got up, and was walking away, the consultant wrapped the bondage strap around me and started "banging" me from behind to demonstrate another amazing trick that this strap could do. Too funny! In a living room full of girls, I actually felt violated for a moment. Later on, I decided to buy a heart massager, some heated lube and a whip. This should be interesting when the package arrives….*smack smack smack* After the party, I had a fun time chatting with the neighbor gals (what an awesome neighborhood to live in) and eventually everyone left. I wanted to help my friend who had the party clean up so in my drunken state, placed meatballs in a container and that's all I could do without stumbling. After, we just started gabbing and in the midst of a great conversation that, as I said earlier, I can't walk away from, my phone died. This became a problem as I could not hear my now frantic husband calling. I asked what the time was and realized that it was nearly 3 in the morning! WHAT?!?! 3AM?!?! See, in my mind it was like 12 and that was decent. So I raced home, which is right around the block and find police cars in my drive way and in the street. Thinking something terribly wrong happened to my children or husband, I get out of the car and ask the Officer what happened? He proceeds to tell me that my husband has been calling me for hours (so not true…20-30 min tops) and felt that something was wrong with me because it was not like me to stay out that late without calling. I explained that my phone died and that I was OK and I was not in a ditch (DUH). In the house, asked my very concerned husband what the hell he was thinking…Of course, looking at it now, I understand where he was coming from but I can't win. I will always be the one who gets into trouble, even when I am really doing nothing.

Day 72
Ugh, hangover. Why did I have to drink like that? "So you wanna be a drinker," I hear in the other room? Luckily, the heart massager was in stock last night and instead of massaging each other with it, I held it onto my heat to cure my headache. I seriously love this thing, it's amazing because you press this little metal disc inside the pouch and the whole thing heats to 129 degrees for at least an hour. It's not only good for sensual massages but good for cramps, back pain, sinus pressure, etc… Super Fab. Later when I felt good, we decided to try out my wonderful arousal cream (so awesome, there is a reason why its called X-scream) and buttered rum flavored massage lotion...pretty decent stuff, I can't wait to get the blueberry.

Day 73
So lately my kids have been up all hours of the night and it's been really hard sleep wise to tonight when ALL the kids got to bed I just wanted to chill for a moment. Usually we get to the juicy stuff right away because we know that someone will be waking up as soon as we are done or just as our heads have hit the pillow. But tonight, I just wanted to grab a snack or some wine before bed and just veg until we felt like going to the bedroom and then start on all the fun stuff. Well, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and my Mister Mister comes up behind me and all grabby grabby…I turn around, annoyed and say "fine, let's just go right now…come on (as I am walking to the bed room)" he follows me and in about 10 minutes we emerge from the bedroom and I went back to enjoying my wine without others depending on me for a short while….approximately 2 minutes after I sit down, one of the kids are up. Figures *sigh*

Day 74
When I ordered something online I was able to get a free year subscription to any magazine in their list for a year. So being the awesome wife that I am, I chose Maxim magazine because I figured that my husband would like to read about cars and cigars and boy stuff. I had no idea what was really in this magazine but it now is one of my very favorite magazines because it talks about straight up boy stuff, sex, women, cars, and even quizzes…it's like the guy version of Cosmo! Not that I am a guy or anything but I love to know what is going on in their heads! So after the kids are asleep, I am sitting there minding my own business, mind you…and the good ol' boy comes in and starts talking about how he thinks that he is going down on me all wrong. I sit up a little higher and ask why he thinks this and he tells me that he was, get this, reading COSMO, the other day! (What? Where the hell did this man get a Cosmo?) They said that he was doing it all wrong. He tilts his head a bit to show me a preview of what they said to do…..I look at him like he just crapped his pants and reply, "NO, hun…believe me you are doing it juuusst fine". "Wanna go see if what they said is better," he asks?

*20 MINUTES LATER* It was good…but to be quite honest, he is way better than what COSMO says. If he really wanted some answers he should have just read his Maxim!

Day 75
Note to self: Do not wear those slightly snugger than normal yoga pants again around the big guy OR inadvertently bend over while wearing them unless away from him completely. My hubby had a day off of work and he went in anyway but then left early, conveniently when the kids were at school and my son was taking a nap. He walked in and I made him lunch and while I was placing the lettuce on the sandwich so thoughtfully, I could feel eyes staring at me from behind; mainly at my behind. I turned around and sure enough, there he was staring my "juicy double" as if he just bought the biggest big mac in the world. "Seriously, wipe the drool off your chin fool….here is your sandwich," I push the plate into his abdomen as I walk by feeling the same pair of eyes on me again. "I'm sorry, I can't help it," he says "Every time you turn around there your butt is and it's so nice". "Yeah right" I say, slightly irritated. I mean the booty gets him every time but the rest of me was not that delicious looking at the moment. I had my "lazy hair day" hat on and a tank top that probably had at least one hole or stain on it. I wasn't in the mood just yet. While he was eating I freshened up just in case he was still interested when he was done and sure enough, yes, he was still hungry apparently….only for my big ass! LOL

Day 76
UGH!!! So much work to do today and tonight it seems! Well, at least quickies are good for breaks from work and staring at a computer screen and dealing with my failing illustrator program. You would think 9GB of RAM would be enough for this crap. Anyhow, he came home -bing bam boom- I was refreshed and he went off to the bed room to sleep for the night. Nothing fancy here kids.

Day 77
"I like big butts and I cannot lie….naa naa nanaaa" Hmmm… why do I have this song in my head after morning nookie? Going to be one hell of a day, I am going on a date with my guy tonight! And maybe catch up with some friends. Oooh, I hope I get my whip today! That would be so much fun  (I will keep you posted)

All American C. S.

Was there a full moon this week? I am not sure whether the moon or its phases ever has any real pull into relationships and how your mind works but I would bet there was a full moon or a new moon this week. I swore that there was a beast in my house that turns at the moon and hungers for some innocent (me) victim to satisfy his urges. If I had a tree in my back yard, other than a pine tree, I would take the branches off and use it to beat him off of me. I guess that guys have a cycle too. I am documenting this and seeing if it holds true next month.


Week 11


Day 64
My husband is obsessed with the lollipop lick. He seriously has been a little too enthusiastic about it and I know when he is thinking about it because he gets this crazy grin and just looks at me and sighs and nods his head like "oh yeah". Occasionally he passes me by and whispers "lollipop" with a pathetic begging face. When I asked what he and the kids wanted for dinner he replied, "Lollipops!" and of the course the kids were all like "LOLIPOP? REALLY?" *Disgusted sigh followed by head shaking* "No, we will NOT be having Lollipops for dinner *evil glance at my husband* we will be eating something nutritious and healthy!" To which my husband then says, "Well, we can have tube-steak smothered in underwear then!" *UGH!* Ok, so I have to giggle at that one but I hope to god that they never repeat that in public. Later, of course, I gave him what he begged for and he was happy. I should only reserve this for one week a month but this secret weapon could be a bad thing.

Day 65
Today is a seriously boring day. Kids are still sick but so stir crazy that they are getting on my nerves! Of course, I can't take them anywhere being sick but I had a hard time thinking of ways to keep them occupied. Also, Mr. Penis is also acting up and making my husband go nuts with this darn licking thing! It's actually quite comical that that little "technique" (who a gay man told me to try) is having such an influence. I am so never listening to a gay man again because I don't want to be getting it on ALL day. I just thought once a day would be enough but I had to try something new and then I find myself in an abyss of self-loathing for even bringing up this NYE thing. But I guess it could be the opposite and I should be happy that my guy wants it so bad from me, at least he won't ever stray with "guns" like this. *points to tongue and crotch*

Day 66
I must have a sticker on my head that says "all American cock sucker" because this is all this man wants! What the fuck! Can't we just fuck and get it over with. My mouth is not in the mood and there is a hole down yonder that is way more perfect for the job. I mean, it doesn't gag or nothing when it goes in all the way. But I actually did get it my way and it was soooo nice. J

Day 67
Smelly hockey guys…actually a turn on. Huh…. I hate when he has to work or play late but man is it nice when he comes home and the kids are asleep and the time is all ours.

Day 68
From the minute my handsome face got home he was all grabby grabby, trying to pull me into the bedroom and get my hand so he could show me how, uh, eager he was to have some fun tonight. When the kids weren't around I have him a little tease and got on my knees for a moment. I honestly couldn't wait for the kids to go to sleep too! Once they were in bed we got right to business and it wasn't just once, no, it was 3 time!!!! I was completely surprised and somewhat suspicious at his desire because usually it's once and good night. Later he confided in me that while he was at work and talking to other men about their wives, he realized that he really is lucky. Awww….that's right biach. Ha ha

Day 69
I was so busy all day cleaning and playing with the kids and did not have time to talk to my babe at work. When he came home, Mr. grump face told me that his day wasn't so good. Since its St. Patrick's day and he is Irish, I let the luck be in his favor and gave him what he loves the most to cheer him up. It was really unexpected to him, I could tell, but I am certain that it made all the poopy things about work go away instantly.

Day 70
Me: "Good Morning hunny"
Hubby: "come on gurl, I just want to get some stank for dis hang-low" *pointing to his Johnson* I love this Man. Ha!

Think before you speak

I think that this week will be the shortest of all the posts so far. I have to admit that there was some seriously boring and crabby moments this week. When hormones, school work, doctor appointments, registration and a million other things are going on, I have no idea how I managed to even remember anything that happened during the week. I guess that it's funny that we all have busy lives but making each other a priority is always something that can slow us down even in a shitty mood.



Week 10

Day 64
"How come every time I get near you or when you give me a hug, your pee pee goes up?", I ask Mr. Thang. "UH, I dunno…you turn me on! Duh", was his gracious explanation. "Well, I haven't showered, my hair is all crazy looking and my crotch is bleeding, I don't think that you should trust me right now. I might just hurt ya!", I say. "Ha ha, you're right, how can I trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and does not die?!". Later you will get it, don't worry.

Day 65
I think that I am dying. The kids are sick again! And I have favored this crabby, foul-ass mood lately. I just want to run away and live under a rock until the world explodes in 2012. I don't want to do it; I don't even want to look at a penis. I just want to be left alone!
Later: Penis -1 /Me -0

Day 66
I am serious, my mouth is sore! Really, are there muscles in my cheeks? Can someone really answer this because I just don't even feel like looking it up right now? Because it feels like they had a workout. Besides the fact that I have NO enthusiasm and again, the foul-ass mood is here, my mouth is just as tired as the rest of my body.

Day 67
Arguments….make-up sex. As far as that goes, there is no such thing because I was still mad at the world. I may have just sat there with my arms folded the whole time. ßSheesh I am a drama queen! Next month I will be stocking myself with some xantax around this time and then it will be like the whole world is just FABULOUS!

Day 68
After bitching that he also has to initiate this whole sex thing sometimes, he gave in. It didn't take much and it was on and it was so fun! My visitor left and it was fun to do something else for a change.

Day 69
Feeling sooo sooo sooo much better. Lack of sleep with all the kids being sick can really take a toll on you, among other things; wine also helps. Wine was my friend tonight and between that and the hot tub romp, I am almost 100% back to my silly old self.

Day 70
I hope this week would never come back into my memory again. How poopy was it? Poopy. Attitude is everything and I am going to make sure that I get myself on track. We all have crappy weeks and its ok once in a while but deciding whether you want to continue to be miserable or change is up to you. For me, Friday was the start of my week back on track and it was on this morning…oh it was on.

Bananas

I have always thought that my parents only had sex twice in their lives, once for my sister and once for me. Later on I learned that they had a code word for it that they would say to allow them to get ready and find each other somewhere away from us in the house. They were pretty darn good at being secret about it because like I stated earlier, I only thought they did it 2 times. I can completely identify with this because my husband and I are always locking doors, sneaking downstairs to "get something" or finding each other in bathrooms and odd locations to satisfy our needs. But it's actually fun to think of how spontaneous this has made us.






Week 9


Day 57
In my quest to find new interesting books to read about sparking sexual desires and introducing new things I found this little gem called the "Daily Sex Bible". Now most of the book has really great ideas for new and exciting things to do and places to go with your partner to enjoy sex. But a lot of it was so humorous that I had moments where I stared into the distance and imagined what it would be like. Take for instance; January 17^th "baby its cold outside" – Light a fire, buy a fluffy rug or blanket, and warm up your partner by giving them a naked massage." So first of all, I read this wrong. My immediate thought, "It's fricken winter out, I am not going outside with a blanket or RUG and getting a shivering naked massage by a bonfire that wouldn't do squat in this temperature." I must have not taken my blonde/smart pill that day because later I realized that it meant to do it inside the HOUSEEEEE. Later we tried it, I kept my clothes on because I had a self conscience moment and it wasn't bad.


Day 58
I am a moody bitch lately and I don't like it. I just want to take a hot bath, get my comfy robe on and chill but I have to do a million errand that I rather not. At this point, what would make me feel better and make me want to get it on would be if my Hunny would say "forget it; don't worry if there is a million things. Here, let me get you some wine and a book. You just relax" –omg I would be like…"In the bedroom, NOW!" But alas, that isn't happening tonight. Lucky him because that last thing on the list is for him anyway. Yes, I have added sex to the list and I was tired when he got it, as ususal.


Day 59
I wonder how many people actually fight to have make-up sex. I cannot understand this because when I get mad, I rather just go to sleep or be left alone and talk about it in the morning. I could picture the make-up sex going ok but then someone starts punching and pissed. I don't think any man should have his junk close to me when I am mad because things wouldn't be pretty. Not that I am fighting with my guy but just the thought of getting mad to have sex is a little off to me. No the only person getting mad at sex lately is our cat Ziggy. I swear that he is creeper and finds his way into the room when we are doing it or are about to. Tonight he literally climbed into bed with is as we were, uh, revving each other up and got right in the middle of us. He even sat on my hip for a while like "what?" I even saw him ball up a blanket the other day to have his way with it. Needless to say, that blanket was immediately thrown in the laundry.

Day 60
Seriously? How does this bitch catch me off guard? I must have short term memory loss or post-traumatic stress disorder when it comes to my time of the month. The time is ONCE AGAIN upon us. How can I not tell by not all of the signs and symptoms that she gives me in the week leading up to this? It's been 17 years since her visits; you would think that I would get smarter. She might as well just leave pictures of penis' and mouths around to remind me of what I will be doing in the next week rather than bloat me, make me mean, make me eat carbs and crave chocolate. Oh, yeah, and since I have gotten more zits since I have started this NY resolution I am totally writing off that sex can make your skin clear. No, to have clear skin you MUST get yourself a good cleanser, drink over a gallon of water daily, take a multi vitamin and use a good moisturizer. Ring Ring, "Hi, honey it's me…yeah, we have a visitor again. Aren't you lucky?". There was silence for a moment and then, "oh ok, see you later". I am sure he feels sympathy for me, I'm sure.


Day 61
Found a HBO special on fellatio and we watched it after the kids were asleep (duh) and learned a lot. The shaft has no nerve endings therefore you cannot get a man off my licking it but the underside, tip and balls do. And apparently the "lollipop lick" or using a circular motion on the head will enhance the experience and make the act over quickly. We tried it and in 1 minute it was over. Ahhahahaa! I have found my secret weapon. It's funny how far I have come from 9 weeks ago (no pun intended). My husband was not harmed in anyway but he did lay there afterwards longer than usual to compose himself.

Day 62
So now that I am pretty much limited during this week, you know what happened tonight. It's no secret that guys love getting head and even though my hubs tells me that he feels bad for me during this time, I know that he looks forward to it more than any other week.

Day 63
Our morning wake up dance, or so the children think, went off like a hitch. The kids still want to know why we have to lock the door to dance.