Bananas

I have always thought that my parents only had sex twice in their lives, once for my sister and once for me. Later on I learned that they had a code word for it that they would say to allow them to get ready and find each other somewhere away from us in the house. They were pretty darn good at being secret about it because like I stated earlier, I only thought they did it 2 times. I can completely identify with this because my husband and I are always locking doors, sneaking downstairs to "get something" or finding each other in bathrooms and odd locations to satisfy our needs. But it's actually fun to think of how spontaneous this has made us.






Week 9


Day 57
In my quest to find new interesting books to read about sparking sexual desires and introducing new things I found this little gem called the "Daily Sex Bible". Now most of the book has really great ideas for new and exciting things to do and places to go with your partner to enjoy sex. But a lot of it was so humorous that I had moments where I stared into the distance and imagined what it would be like. Take for instance; January 17^th "baby its cold outside" – Light a fire, buy a fluffy rug or blanket, and warm up your partner by giving them a naked massage." So first of all, I read this wrong. My immediate thought, "It's fricken winter out, I am not going outside with a blanket or RUG and getting a shivering naked massage by a bonfire that wouldn't do squat in this temperature." I must have not taken my blonde/smart pill that day because later I realized that it meant to do it inside the HOUSEEEEE. Later we tried it, I kept my clothes on because I had a self conscience moment and it wasn't bad.


Day 58
I am a moody bitch lately and I don't like it. I just want to take a hot bath, get my comfy robe on and chill but I have to do a million errand that I rather not. At this point, what would make me feel better and make me want to get it on would be if my Hunny would say "forget it; don't worry if there is a million things. Here, let me get you some wine and a book. You just relax" –omg I would be like…"In the bedroom, NOW!" But alas, that isn't happening tonight. Lucky him because that last thing on the list is for him anyway. Yes, I have added sex to the list and I was tired when he got it, as ususal.


Day 59
I wonder how many people actually fight to have make-up sex. I cannot understand this because when I get mad, I rather just go to sleep or be left alone and talk about it in the morning. I could picture the make-up sex going ok but then someone starts punching and pissed. I don't think any man should have his junk close to me when I am mad because things wouldn't be pretty. Not that I am fighting with my guy but just the thought of getting mad to have sex is a little off to me. No the only person getting mad at sex lately is our cat Ziggy. I swear that he is creeper and finds his way into the room when we are doing it or are about to. Tonight he literally climbed into bed with is as we were, uh, revving each other up and got right in the middle of us. He even sat on my hip for a while like "what?" I even saw him ball up a blanket the other day to have his way with it. Needless to say, that blanket was immediately thrown in the laundry.

Day 60
Seriously? How does this bitch catch me off guard? I must have short term memory loss or post-traumatic stress disorder when it comes to my time of the month. The time is ONCE AGAIN upon us. How can I not tell by not all of the signs and symptoms that she gives me in the week leading up to this? It's been 17 years since her visits; you would think that I would get smarter. She might as well just leave pictures of penis' and mouths around to remind me of what I will be doing in the next week rather than bloat me, make me mean, make me eat carbs and crave chocolate. Oh, yeah, and since I have gotten more zits since I have started this NY resolution I am totally writing off that sex can make your skin clear. No, to have clear skin you MUST get yourself a good cleanser, drink over a gallon of water daily, take a multi vitamin and use a good moisturizer. Ring Ring, "Hi, honey it's me…yeah, we have a visitor again. Aren't you lucky?". There was silence for a moment and then, "oh ok, see you later". I am sure he feels sympathy for me, I'm sure.


Day 61
Found a HBO special on fellatio and we watched it after the kids were asleep (duh) and learned a lot. The shaft has no nerve endings therefore you cannot get a man off my licking it but the underside, tip and balls do. And apparently the "lollipop lick" or using a circular motion on the head will enhance the experience and make the act over quickly. We tried it and in 1 minute it was over. Ahhahahaa! I have found my secret weapon. It's funny how far I have come from 9 weeks ago (no pun intended). My husband was not harmed in anyway but he did lay there afterwards longer than usual to compose himself.

Day 62
So now that I am pretty much limited during this week, you know what happened tonight. It's no secret that guys love getting head and even though my hubs tells me that he feels bad for me during this time, I know that he looks forward to it more than any other week.

Day 63
Our morning wake up dance, or so the children think, went off like a hitch. The kids still want to know why we have to lock the door to dance.