Criminal

Lord, forgive me of my sins for I do not understand why I get into so much trouble for simply being me. I have always been the bad kid, the rebel, the one who starts all the shit and the one who finds herself in the oddest of situations. I have learned a lot from life being the "naughty" one and life lessons help to make you a little more well rounded and colorful as a person. Since I am getting older, I don't cause as much damage as I use to but even when I am trying to be a good girl, the black cloud follows me and something incurs. I try to broaden my spectrum and meet new friends to surround myself with because that is me, I love people. And since I love people and love to talk, it's hard to walk away from a good conversation when it comes my way. In the past year I have met some really great gals who now, I consider to be good friends and that is so valuable to me because when you have a hard day, there is nothing like some girl talk and a bottle of wine to cheer you up…no matter if the police are searching for you……




Week 12




Day 71
I enjoyed the day with my two girls bowling in the morning with the anticipation of the much needed girlfriend time later in the night. So in between, the hubster' had to work for a bit and was super tired when he came home. So I tried my best and gave him a quick something' somethin' before the kids really got on his nerves and then I had to leave for the night. A friend of mine was having a sex toy party and really people, like I wouldn't go to that??!? I took my tipsy pineapples and a box, yes BOX of wine with me to admire some dildos and laugh with some fantastic ladies. While there, I was selected to be strapped to a nice lady using a bondage kit. My new friend and I "bonded" quite quickly as I was lay there on the floor below her, blindfolded and had my legs and arms strapped around her while she was sitting. By doing this my legs were in the air in a "v" formation, and open for business. This was hysterical…. When I got up, and was walking away, the consultant wrapped the bondage strap around me and started "banging" me from behind to demonstrate another amazing trick that this strap could do. Too funny! In a living room full of girls, I actually felt violated for a moment. Later on, I decided to buy a heart massager, some heated lube and a whip. This should be interesting when the package arrives….*smack smack smack* After the party, I had a fun time chatting with the neighbor gals (what an awesome neighborhood to live in) and eventually everyone left. I wanted to help my friend who had the party clean up so in my drunken state, placed meatballs in a container and that's all I could do without stumbling. After, we just started gabbing and in the midst of a great conversation that, as I said earlier, I can't walk away from, my phone died. This became a problem as I could not hear my now frantic husband calling. I asked what the time was and realized that it was nearly 3 in the morning! WHAT?!?! 3AM?!?! See, in my mind it was like 12 and that was decent. So I raced home, which is right around the block and find police cars in my drive way and in the street. Thinking something terribly wrong happened to my children or husband, I get out of the car and ask the Officer what happened? He proceeds to tell me that my husband has been calling me for hours (so not true…20-30 min tops) and felt that something was wrong with me because it was not like me to stay out that late without calling. I explained that my phone died and that I was OK and I was not in a ditch (DUH). In the house, asked my very concerned husband what the hell he was thinking…Of course, looking at it now, I understand where he was coming from but I can't win. I will always be the one who gets into trouble, even when I am really doing nothing.

Day 72
Ugh, hangover. Why did I have to drink like that? "So you wanna be a drinker," I hear in the other room? Luckily, the heart massager was in stock last night and instead of massaging each other with it, I held it onto my heat to cure my headache. I seriously love this thing, it's amazing because you press this little metal disc inside the pouch and the whole thing heats to 129 degrees for at least an hour. It's not only good for sensual massages but good for cramps, back pain, sinus pressure, etc… Super Fab. Later when I felt good, we decided to try out my wonderful arousal cream (so awesome, there is a reason why its called X-scream) and buttered rum flavored massage lotion...pretty decent stuff, I can't wait to get the blueberry.

Day 73
So lately my kids have been up all hours of the night and it's been really hard sleep wise to tonight when ALL the kids got to bed I just wanted to chill for a moment. Usually we get to the juicy stuff right away because we know that someone will be waking up as soon as we are done or just as our heads have hit the pillow. But tonight, I just wanted to grab a snack or some wine before bed and just veg until we felt like going to the bedroom and then start on all the fun stuff. Well, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass and my Mister Mister comes up behind me and all grabby grabby…I turn around, annoyed and say "fine, let's just go right now…come on (as I am walking to the bed room)" he follows me and in about 10 minutes we emerge from the bedroom and I went back to enjoying my wine without others depending on me for a short while….approximately 2 minutes after I sit down, one of the kids are up. Figures *sigh*

Day 74
When I ordered something online I was able to get a free year subscription to any magazine in their list for a year. So being the awesome wife that I am, I chose Maxim magazine because I figured that my husband would like to read about cars and cigars and boy stuff. I had no idea what was really in this magazine but it now is one of my very favorite magazines because it talks about straight up boy stuff, sex, women, cars, and even quizzes…it's like the guy version of Cosmo! Not that I am a guy or anything but I love to know what is going on in their heads! So after the kids are asleep, I am sitting there minding my own business, mind you…and the good ol' boy comes in and starts talking about how he thinks that he is going down on me all wrong. I sit up a little higher and ask why he thinks this and he tells me that he was, get this, reading COSMO, the other day! (What? Where the hell did this man get a Cosmo?) They said that he was doing it all wrong. He tilts his head a bit to show me a preview of what they said to do…..I look at him like he just crapped his pants and reply, "NO, hun…believe me you are doing it juuusst fine". "Wanna go see if what they said is better," he asks?

*20 MINUTES LATER* It was good…but to be quite honest, he is way better than what COSMO says. If he really wanted some answers he should have just read his Maxim!

Day 75
Note to self: Do not wear those slightly snugger than normal yoga pants again around the big guy OR inadvertently bend over while wearing them unless away from him completely. My hubby had a day off of work and he went in anyway but then left early, conveniently when the kids were at school and my son was taking a nap. He walked in and I made him lunch and while I was placing the lettuce on the sandwich so thoughtfully, I could feel eyes staring at me from behind; mainly at my behind. I turned around and sure enough, there he was staring my "juicy double" as if he just bought the biggest big mac in the world. "Seriously, wipe the drool off your chin fool….here is your sandwich," I push the plate into his abdomen as I walk by feeling the same pair of eyes on me again. "I'm sorry, I can't help it," he says "Every time you turn around there your butt is and it's so nice". "Yeah right" I say, slightly irritated. I mean the booty gets him every time but the rest of me was not that delicious looking at the moment. I had my "lazy hair day" hat on and a tank top that probably had at least one hole or stain on it. I wasn't in the mood just yet. While he was eating I freshened up just in case he was still interested when he was done and sure enough, yes, he was still hungry apparently….only for my big ass! LOL

Day 76
UGH!!! So much work to do today and tonight it seems! Well, at least quickies are good for breaks from work and staring at a computer screen and dealing with my failing illustrator program. You would think 9GB of RAM would be enough for this crap. Anyhow, he came home -bing bam boom- I was refreshed and he went off to the bed room to sleep for the night. Nothing fancy here kids.

Day 77
"I like big butts and I cannot lie….naa naa nanaaa" Hmmm… why do I have this song in my head after morning nookie? Going to be one hell of a day, I am going on a date with my guy tonight! And maybe catch up with some friends. Oooh, I hope I get my whip today! That would be so much fun  (I will keep you posted)