And what am I doing again?

My husband and I always have this argument that comes up once in a while. Even though we don't argue a lot, this particular concept always surfaces. When it comes to "love making" I need to be put into the mood, wooed I guess. You know, hold my hand, cuddle, and tell me I am beautiful with OUT grabbing my ass. I need to feel that I am cherished and worthy of sex-less affection. That may be true for most women. Now the way he expresses this desire is that basically there is an instinctual urge, need and if anything it just simply needs to be satisfied to function normally mentally again. So we would constantly go in a circle, me saying "I need affection, a hug, soft kisses, cuddling to give you sex" and he would rebuttal "but I need sex to give you affection". I always felt that this was so shitty, why the hell should I have to give it up to get something so damn simple. Then the thought becomes resentful territory because I would create a barrier between myself and the affection that he could give me. There was always feeling that his motive was sex and not affections. I cannot say that I get the needs of a man yet, but alas I am not a man…I really don't know what that feels like. Hell, I haven't felt that way since I was single and didn't care what the other people thought.

Week 1



Day 1
Exercise? How is this shit supposed to be exercise when it's over before I even hit the bed??
Yeah, who the heck said that this was exercise? Hmmmmp….at least it was quick and painless. "this should be a piece of cake"
Day 2
This day was a little more interesting. It was a little more like a normal date night where you know what is coming, you try to pull out the stops a little more than usual. Kids went off to bed at a reasonable hour, nice movie, wine…little candle light. It was nice, very relaxing because we wanted to please each other. M' is usually good with worrying about whether or not I was happy and for the most part, when they are nights like this, it was nice.
Day 3
Woke up and business as usual, getting down to the grind with the kids back to school and everything but I did notice a small change, I was more cheerful and less stressed out. There was a huge laundry monster in the wash-room but I didn't care…I kicked at the door a few times to scare it down but whatever…it was in there. There was also dishes in the washer and whatever else that was thrown about. I normally start my day with a little hostility because I have a goal that all this stuff has to be done by 11 so I can feel more focused. But I did not care, there could be a bomb that was going to hit and I would be cool with that. I even did my hair and put on some makeup without rushing and throwing on a hat.
That night was a late night for the hubster' so quick late night nooky was the plan. He came home the kids were sleeping all the chores done, homework done…everything good. I followed him to the room and threw him on the bed. I had a mission! Plus the show was about to start and we needed to get this over with. Well…my guy took a little longer than expected…what the hell? I swear to gosh I broke a slightly damp sweat! My heart was a bit racier too! I asked him later what the hell happened. He told me (read this in a man's voice in your head for humor) "I told you this stuff would happen; a man gets more stamina by getting it often!! Geeezzz". Damn it, I thought.
Day 4
IT TOOK Foreverrrrrr and both of us thought that this was a stupid idea. First of all, this NEVER used to take this long…ever since we met, 2-4 minutes tops! The problem in this night is that we were rushing because we wanted to get it over with. We both wanted to relax and watch some TV and I needed to clean up the kitchen etc. It's hard when you have an idea of what you expect and it's completely the opposite. The positive – more exercise!
Day 5
Although I have been feeling pretty darn spunky lately I did not want to do this. I was so tired…I think I wined more than the kids about having to brush their teeth. He also told me that he was tired and it was almost like he was saying "mercy…mercy" in his eyes. He says "can't we just cuddle?". We sat there on the couch and sort of argued the thought of giving him a break (yeah right…a f'ing break? When did I ever think that YOU would ask for a break from sex you horn ball!) when I started surfing the crimson waves of the month. I rolled my eyes in protest and he just wanted to sit on the couch, hold hands and hang out with the cat on our laps…but then he was like…Fine you win. He stood up and (ok, I swear to you that are my friends we did not do this on the couch!!! Or any furniture in our living room) we immediately began to kiss and for some reason, things just transpired in the midst of the living room without even making it to the room and it was great. When it was over, M' said "ha ha…That was funny! I have to tell you something". Uh, I was thinking 'oh great, he finally got to see me in the light and he is going to make fun of my back fat or something'. He chuckles and then tells me that at one point our cat, Ziggy who had been on the couch was right in front of us watching. He got up as if he stepped in a pile of puke or something, moved over to another part of the couch and faced the wall as if to say "omg you guys, really? Come on that is GROSS!" He just sat there staring in the complete opposite direction with his back to us for a while….and when it was over he turned his head and slanted his eyes to say "you disgust me!"
Later on that night before turning in for the night he said something like: "I can't wait to cuddle with you in bed and wrap my arms around you" and to me that was the best thing ever.

Day 6
Interesting night because neither of us talked about it until we actually went to bed for the night, we did get in and immediately held each other and that was nice. I did however; get to put on my "O" face this time. YAY. Later when I asked him if he was sick of this, he said "no, it's awesome!". I have to learn to put my silly intuitions aside because they sometimes get me into trouble. I think and worry of things that have not yet transpired and most of the time they never do and that is a stupid mind game that needs to end. To feel confident you must be able to let things go and believe in yourself.
Day 7
YES!!!!! We did it. 1 week down! 8=====D - - - "O" (Sorry, sick humor)


As you can tell our little argument from the top of the page has switched a bit too where I am getting more affection or more affection that I wasn't seeing before is now in plain sight. I see him in a different, more romantic light more and am anxious for the upcoming months. I can already see an improvement on my stress level and I feel less depressed as I was. I have been for quite some time and it is so hard to pull yourself together when it's always there. I can tell you that I have laughed more with my children and played more for quite some time. I feel like I am getting back to me, real me, silly me.